Thursday, February 15, 2007

Let me tell you about my morning

Today I had my first mammogram.

I turned 40 last August and my doctor felt that I should go for my baseline now. I know I am not the first woman in the world to do this. But....it was MY first time, and that was really an eye opener, to say the least.

I get to the place, and everyone is just way too perky and upbeat.....do they not know what they are about to do to me????? I have read Ode to the Mammogram and was very aware of what to expect.

First thing they took me into a change room and told me to strip from the waist up. The woman who took me in there was wearing her winter coat!!! I shit you not!! She hands me this tissue paper shirt to change into while I am waiting. HOLY NIPPLES BATMAN!! I about froze to death. I could actually feel my Double D Puppies shrivel right down to a generous C. Then they put on this video to show me how to do the Breast Self Exam every month. Now I know that it is important, and that every woman should be doing it.....but frankly, I just never remember to do it. Think I will have to borrow the video for NewMan to watch and learn....that way I can be assured of it getting done.

So after the video she takes me into a small little room with a big scary machine there. She gets me to stand there in front of the machine while she pulls and twists my precious Left Puppy trying to get it all flattened out in this clear plastic vice. She then starts to squeeze together the plates of the vice and tells me to let her know if I start to get uncomfortable! WTF????? I was uncomfortable on the drive into town to have this done!!!!! She takes the two flattened out pictures of each of the puppies, and then tells me, "We need the side view now" I did NOT expect that. So there are my favourite girls, being squished and flattened in the other direction. For the love of all things sacred, my babies will never be the same again! She then asks me to go back to my change room, but don't get dressed, since the radiologist may need more views.....I am guessing the radiologist is a man and had never had this done.

I sit in the change room in my tissue paper shirt, praying to the Goddess of Breasts to please not make me have to have any more torture. About 40 minutes later, I am told that I can get dressed and am free to go. As I am walking out past the reception desk, the receptionist stops me and hands me a pink carnation. The card reads, "We are pleased to encourage ladies to care about their health. Accept this flower, with our compliments, to enhance the rest of your day." I almost burst out laughing. All I could think of was that the last person I let touch my breasts like that at least bought me dinner!!!!! And he didn't take pictures either.....

9 comments:

Becky said...

ROTFLMAO! Poor Iris! I can only imagine and dread the time my doc tells me "it's that time". But, at the same time, I am anxious for them to take a baseline of mine, as my dad's mother had breast cancer and had a double masectomy. And my colleague at work went through it all about 6 years ago after they found spots on only her second ever mammogram. So, what can we do? There's nothing to do but laugh at the ridiculousness of the tests themselves and be grateful that it may mean the difference between early detection and death. ;o)

Frannie Farmer said...

Oh sweets, so sorry. Been there, hated that .. gotta go every six months .. not something I wanna get use to.
Bless your sweet heart.
FF

Nikki said...

I dread getting this done.

I wonder if me taking digital pictures would be a good substitute.

Oh, The Joys said...

Oh noooooooo. It's like seeing my near future!

Sara said...

Oh yikes! I don't envy you, but think of how good it feels now, having done it and gotten it over. Now you can lord it over all else, right? :-)

Melody said...

How Funny....I remember my first mammo with...let's just say...not so fond memories...BUT we must laugh or we will cry...
AND i feel a bit jipped...all i got was a bruised boobie...no flower for me!

Jacques said...

Now, permit me to have a male perspective here...

I wish i were a mammo tech *ducks and prepares for jeers* lol

Although im sure after seeing them day in and day out...i'd never want to see them at the end of the day lol. My love would suffer for that. Hmm...nevermid :D

But hey...if any nurse out there...Especially the cute, short, with short reddish brown hair, blue eyes, nice butt, nurse variety...ever wants to examine me...I'm all for it. I could use an exam lol.

Men are such pigs! (but i am an educated loving pig ;) )

Manic Mom said...

OK! This breast post is HILARIOUS! Thank you for stopping over at Manic Mom's! And the whole 'being witness to farming accidents' is a VERY INTERESTING THING TO ME! You should go back and put a real answer for the contest!

ali said...

i so dread the mammogram!!