In Memory of Gabriel Trey ~ 10 years

Today is the 10th anniversary of the birth and passing of my son, Gabriel Trey. I truly cannot believe it has been ten years already. There are times when I think of what he would have been like. Who he would have looked like. How different my other children's lives would have been had he survived. If he had been normal....if he had been disabled....how different would my own life have been. I can still close my eyes and so vividly remember the events that happened all around my pregnancy and loss. I remember distinctly, things people said and did. I remember feeling so numb, and yet so ultra sensitive and aware of all that was going on around me. I remember holding him, so tiny, in one hand. I remember smelling him and just not wanting to let him go. Not wanting to believe it was really happening. I remember so well the nurses that cared for me during that time, in particular, Vonnie, who had been an RN on the ward when I was a student there. She, herself, pregnant at the time of Gabriel's passing. She came in and sat on my bed and just talked to me, she was so kind and caring. It meant so much to me. And the other nurse, whose name escapes me at the moment, who took Gabriel and dressed him and baptized him. Her name is on his baptism certificate. She took his tiny, perfect little foot and made a print on the back of that card, so I would always remember that despite his profound anomaly, there were parts of him that were perfect. And I remember Donna, the RN who was my mentor a year later, when I preceptored on Labour & Delivery on that same unit, who encouraged me to look at and take home the pictures that had been taken of him that day...while she and I were preparing another stillborn infant for a family to hold. I want to thank all of them.

The following is a copy from a webpage that I had constructed back then, to chronicle the events as they unfurled. It is hard to re-read it, to relive those events. But I feel the need to go back there today, to remember, and to be grateful. Yes, GRATEFUL. Because, you see, if it had not been for this event in my life, so many other things may not have happened. I for sure would not have had my daughter. I would not have gone back to nursing school after a six year break and finished to become an RN. I would not have been the one, that night, to help that other family go through a tragic loss, to have the experience to know just what to say to that baby's mother. I also would not have been involved in an online community of women who were all Pregnant After Loss. And from there, would not have met another wonderful group of women whom I have come to love over at the DHS bulletin board. I believe also, that had it not been for that very sad event, I may never have had the courage or confidence to have picked myself up after the failure of my marriage, and may never have allowed myself to be loved by NewMan, who was a source of support and comfort even back during those difficult days surrounding my loss. I have often believed that Gabriel was really never meant to be an earthly being. I believe he was sent to me by God to give me a nudge in the right direction. He was my angel, my messenger, bringing me the message to start doing things for me. Thank you, my son.......thank you.

Written in May 1997
First of all I really want to thank everyone who has written to us and has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. It means very much to us that so many people care.

For those who do not know of our situation, I will tell the story.

On Friday April 25th, 1997 I went for an ultrasound of our third baby. On examination, it was found that our baby has a severe congenital defect called an encephalocele. We are awaiting more tests on Monday and then we will know further of what our options will be.

On Monday April 28th, 1997 we went to have a more in depth ultrasound done. The scan showed that the defect was even worse than first suspected. There was no hope for this baby to live. We met with our obstetrician and were given two options. One would be to deliver the baby now and lessen the risks of complications to me, or to wait until I went into labour on my own and deliver a full term baby. We were told to go home and think about our decision. To take as much time as we needed. We are Roman Catholic and found the decision a very difficult one to make.

On Tuesday April 29th, 1997 after talking most of the night, we decided to contact our priest and find out their views on the matter. The priest came to our home and talked to us. He told us that in our circumstance that if we chose to deliver our baby now, that it would be viewed by the church as a miscarriage because there was no chance for a viable life. He blessed us, said a prayer and gave me the anointing of the sick. At 2:pm we were admitted to the hospital and the delivery was started.

On Wednesday April 30th, 1997 at 12:40 pm, my baby was delivered. We had a baby boy. They took him away to clean him up. They brought him back to me wrapped in a little flannel bunting bag and blanket. I got to see him and say goodbye. The nurse had baptized the baby and we named him Gabriel Trey.

On Friday May 2, 1997, we held a small memorial service in memory of Gabriel Trey.

Thank you again for thoughts and Prayers

REMEMBERING
by Elizabeth Denton

Go ahead and mention my child,
the one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
the depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing,
the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say, "Pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing,
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Open Forum - questions from Jessica

Jessica from Diary of a Rebellious Child asked me a few questions that she uses as impromptu speeches for her students. The questions she posed to me were

most embarrassing moment, proudest moment, best childhood memory, worst childhood memory, if you could change one decision you have made, what would it be and why

And although I have probably answered some of these in previous posts, I will do my best to answer them again.

Let us begin..........

My most embarrassing moment....oh lord. There are just so many to choose from. So very many. So very very numerous incidents from my Adventures in Dorkdom. Maybe that should just be a whole new blog venture for me. My Adventures in Dorkdom. I am certain I could get all kinds of guest posters to write about ME and my eternal Dorkiness.....what do you think, NewMan??? Can you come up with a few stories to tell on me??? It is funny how some people can take embarrassment in stride, they turn a little pink and laugh and it is over. Others will get angry and humiliated to a point where they will explode. I tend to be somewhere in the middle. When I was younger, I hated anything that would be embarrassing because being the youngest of five kids, and a dorky kid as well, anything that could be used to humiliate and cut someone to the core would be used to its fullest. So even now, as an adult, I still get defensive and uncomfortable about anything that could cause embarrassment. I am careful to always try to know as much as I can about whatever I am doing so as to never appear ignorant. I would never burp, or f*a*r*t in public. Heck, anything bathroom related is kept at the highest of security. So for me to even begin to divulge an embarrassing moment here to the world would be a major violation of my code of conduct.

My proudest moment would be the day I graduated from Nursing School. I talked about this in my last post.

My best childhood memories all seem to revolve around my father. He was the one who was home with me for most of my childhood. My mom worked, my dad was retired. Sunday mornings making bacon and eggs after church. Drinking coffee and just talking.

My worst childhood memories would have to revolve around the loss of my grandmother. I was only eight years old, and I was so very sad when she died. Also, at the age of twelve, I lost my niece to leukemia. That was a very very sad time too.

As for the one decision I wish I could change, I am not sure there is one. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. It is a ripple effect. There is a movie called The Butterfly Effect where a kid goes back in time to change the events of his life to try to make things better. Every time he changes one thing, something else goes wrong. I believe that that would be how it would be if we had the capability to change decisions. At this point in my life, I am very happy. Even with all of the bad things that have happened in my past, if I hadn't lived them, I wouldn't be here. I am the sum of all my experiences, if not for everyone of them, I would not be the person I am today....the person who is loved so completely and unconditionally by the most wonderful man in the world. I wouldn't change a thing.

Now, Jessica, time for your own question:

Can you think of an event in your life that has completely shaped your life in a positive or negative way?

Open Forum - question from Mel

Mel from Melanie in Orygun asked me to

Name the five best days of your life

Pretty good question really. As a mommy, I am thinking that I may be obligated to name the births of my children as four of the five, but frankly, even though I love my children (for the most part anyway), I really could not name the days of THEIR births as among the BEST days of MY life. Let me explain that a bit, really.

When my oldest was born, I was induced, two days running. I ended up giving into the epidural temptation (I am not knocking them, but they are NOT for me), thus having my labour arrested, ending up with a c-section, an allergic reaction to the tape they put on my back, and a case of post-partum depression. It was not exactly a red letter day for me. With my second, I was put in the hospital with high blood pressure, induced, ended up with the epidural again, arrested labour again, argued and cried about not wanting another c-section, delivered by forceps and 4th degree tear, and a baby that was taken away to the NICU for about 12 hours. Again, not lovely. My daughter was born in the early hours of Christmas Eve. My husband was actually annoyed because he was supposed to fly to work that morning and I ruined his plans. Her delivery went well, but he did leave Christmas morning, I was left in the hospital, no visitors on Christmas Day, then, went home to two little boys and husband at work. He finally did come home on New Years Eve, then proceeded to pack up and move out on New Year's Day. My fourth....I was loaded in the back of an ambulance and taken to the big hospital after about 20 hours of non-progressive labour, only to find that he was laying sideways and I was in line for another c-section. YAY!!! Then he ended up with a hole in his lung and we spent 11 days in the NICU and 6 weeks on home oxygen. Childbirth, on a whole, was never the best time for me. Luckily, my pregnancies always were fairly easy.

Now, to name the five best days of my life. This has taken some real thought. I would have to say collectively, the days that my children first said, "I love you, mom" Definitely a big day each time it happened. Certain accomplishments that they have achieved have also been big days for me, but I really cannot choose any one. I think for myself, the day I graduated from Nursing School and became an RN. It was something I had wanted since I was very young. It was also something that my father wanted. He always felt that nursing was a noble profession and he was very proud of me when I started nursing school. He never really knew I graduated, since by that time he had Alzheimer's. I like to believe that he does know now, since he has passed away. The second best day of my life was when I signed the papers to purchase my home....I did it myself. It is mine. That was a proud accomplishment for me. Also the day I bought my new car, by myself. Again, an accomplishment that I had never done on my own. All big deals for me, all showing myself and everyone around me that I was capable, independent and confident.

Now, hands down, the very best day of my life was January 5th, 2000. This was the day that I met NewMan for the very first time face to face. We had known each other online for a few years, and in the months preceding this meeting, we had been doing the online dating thing, and talking on the phone daily, during which time, we had already fallen in love. You may wonder how a person can fall in love with another without ever having seen them, touched them, looked in their eyes. Well, I can attest to the fact that you can. All those months, we had nothing more than conversation to fill our time. We talked of everything from the very important life issues, to the silly everyday things that people talk about. When we had a problem, we had no choice but to work it through, in conversation, as there was no other way. We have now developed a level of communication that exceeds anything I have never experienced before. It is amazing. In adjunct to this day, the day that we found each other again and saw each other again, after six years apart, were equally as amazing. Realizing that the love we had for one another had actually grown in our time apart. We knew that what we shared was very special indeed. And in looking forward, I know that the very best day of my life is yet to come....the day NewMan and I finally marry and embark on the journey that will be the rest of our lives.

Melanie, now in turn you must answer something for me in your blog. Talk about the day you met the love of your life. What do you remember about that day? What things had to fall into place to make it happen??

Also, anyone reading this, keep on posting me questions on my Open Forum post.

Back from my trip

I had an awesome time, again. The kids were well behaved according to my mother. I hated leaving NewMan at the airport....it was 10 times worse this time than last. I still get tears in my eyes thinking about the last kiss before walking away........torture.

I will resume the Open Forum posts later tonight or tomorrow. Keep asking those questions!!!!

I am off to Chicago!!!!!!

Just a quick note to let everyone know I am off for 5 days to Chicago to see NewMan.

Continue asking questions on my Open Forum. Comment on my 100th Post......

I will be back to reply after April 24th.

YAY!!! This is my 100th Post!!! (I will resume Open Forum after this post)

So, in honour of such, I suppose I should post 100 things about me..... I can't guarantee they will be all that exciting or even make a lot of sense, since....it is 3:am and this is my 6th 12 hour night shift in 7 days. Wouldn't it be cool if I got 100 comments on my 100th post which is about 100 things about me???? Post me a link to your 100th post on your blog. Tell me the things off my list that you and I have in common. Bring all your friends as well. Help me celebrate my 100th post!!!!

1. I am 40yrs old.
2. I am Canadian.
3. I am a mother.
4. I am a girlfriend to the greatest guy in the world!! I love you, NewMan!
5. I am a sister.
6. I am a daughter.
7. I am an aunty.
8. I am a great aunty (as in, my nieces and nephews have children of their own)
9. I am a Registered Nurse.
10. I am an ex-wife.
11. I am 5'3" tall
12. If you think I am going to tell you how much I weigh, you are nuts.
13. I have blue eyes.
14. I am not sure what colour my hair would be if I let it go natural.
15. I was born with dark hair.
16. When I was young my hair was blonde.
17. I drive a red Sebring.
18. My first car was a dark blue 1986 Tempo.
19. I bought that car before I actually had a driver's license.
20. I was 23 when I got my driver's license.
21. I am an ex-smoker.
22. My favourite colour changes depending on my current mood. Right now, it is red.
23. I have an aversion to other people's feet, except for NewMan's feet.
24. Especially gnarly little granny feet.
25. I have a tattoo.
26. I would love another tattoo.
27. I have my ears pierced, twice.
28. I do not have any other piercings.
29. I do not WANT any other piercings.
30. I wear gel nails, even though my employer says it is against the rules.
31. I don't like to follow the rules.
32. I will do almost anything for chocolate.
33. My favourite food is Asian inspired cuisine.
34. I love wine.
35. I love tequila.
36. I used to drink a lot more alcohol than I do now.
37. The last alcoholic drink I had was in January with NewMan, we had champagne.
38. I am a procrastinator.
39. I suck at housework.
40. I like tapioca pudding.
41. I think I am funny.
42. I don't like people who don't think I am funny.
43. I do not tolerate intolerance.
44. I believe in the motto of Live and Let Live.
45. Unless it is a mosquito, then it is, DIE SUCKER DIE!!!!
50. I believe in ghosts.
51. I believe in God.
52. I have a profile on Facebook.
53. I am probably way too old to have a profile on Facebook.
54. I can't understand why more of my old friends do NOT have profiles on Facebook.
55. I do not like country music.
56. I love going to the movies.
57. I do not like going to concerts.
58. I am practically deaf in my right ear.
59. I have to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door.
60. I do not like caged birds.
61. Sometimes I feel like a caged bird.
62. I really hate this one bird that sings outside my bedroom in the mornings.
63. I wish my cat would eat that bird.
64. I used to be addicted to chatting on the Internet.
65. Now I am addicted to reading blogs on the Internet.
66. My new addiction does not affect my life nearly as much as the old one did.
67. I am an office supply junkie.
68. I love electronic gadgets (mind out of gutter).
69. The number 69 always makes me laugh.
70. I wear glasses.
71. I am not a morning person.
72. I used to be a secretary.
73. I am a TV junkie.
74. I love Fruit Loops.
75. I am really tired right now.
76. I don't answer my door if I am not expecting company.
77. I rarely answer my phone unless it is NewMan calling.
78. I never forward those emails that circle the web over and over.
79. There is not one of those jokes, prayers, warnings, etc that I have not seen
80. I write a mean limerick (I will write one for you if you ask)
81. I sing along with my MP3 player in the car.
82. I love to sing.
83. I can't carry a tune in a bucket.
85. My dog howls when I sing to him.
86. I was 14 when I had my first boyfriend.
87. I started dating my first husband when I was in Grade 11.
88. He was my "first".
89. NewMan was my "second".....the first time we were dating.
90. NewMan will be my last.
91. I am happy about that.
92. I love comedians.
93. I don't give a damn about British Royalty.
94. I wear earplugs when I sleep during the day when I am working nights.
95. I have baskets of clean, unfolded laundry all over my house.
96. I would love to live on an acreage with a menagerie of animals.
97. I have foil on my bedroom window and it isn't to keep out messages from aliens.
98. I love Coke Zero.
99. I am addicted to coffee.
100. I am done this list.

Open Forum - Questions from Jess

Continue to post questions for me in the OPEN FORUM post.

Jess over at Oh, The Joys has asked me a LOT of questions. I plan to try to answer them as best as I can. Her questions are:

Where did you grow up, what were your parents like, how did they shape who you would become, who was your first love - the whole story on that - and then the whole story on every love since him - up to now.

Where did I grow up??? I am not sure if I have grown up quite yet. But my childhood was spent in the small city of Melville, Saskatchewan. I went to St. Henry's Catholic School (no Catholic School Girl jokes please) up to grade 9. Then I attended the Melville Comprehensive High School for grades 10-12. I did a lot more partying than studying back then. I was a bit of a badass. I smoked ...... "stuff".... I drank....I skipped school.

I was the youngest of five kids. I have two brothers and two sisters. None of which are very close to me in age. I think by the time I came to the teen years, my parents were just really tired. My mom was 35 when I was born, and she worked as a nurses aide and was seldom around when I was growing up. My Father was 24 years older than my mother. So, if you do the math, he was 59 when I was born. He was the most influential in my growing up, as he was the one who I spent the majority of my time with. He taught me to strive for intelligent conversation, to exercise my mind, not to waste an opportunity to learn something. That is what I do with blogging.....I read and learn.

As for the loves of my life....well....I was married, as you all know. We were high school sweethearts, and it was expected of us to marry...so we did. We divorced. I was involved with another man for a few years, that did not go well, even if it did produce my little TucMan. I talk about both of those relationships in my other blog, Imperfect Perfections. You can read that article here. I am now with my soul mate, the love of my life.....NewMan. I have never felt happier or more secure in any relationship in my life. I have spoken about him here several times. You can read one of those articles here.

I believe that we are all on this earth to teach lessons to one another. I believe that we do not leave this earth until all our lessons are taught and learned. I believe that some of us have a lot of lessons to teach and learn, and some of us not as many. I believe that most of the time we are not even aware of the lessons we are teaching others, and some of the time we are not aware of what we are being taught.

Jess, my question for you..... can you think of a specific lesson that your mere existence in this world has taught someone else?? Can you think of a lesson that you learned from a brief encounter with a complete stranger that changed the way you think, act, etc???

Open Forum - questions from Audrey

Continue to post your questions for this Open Forum and I will answer them in the order in which they are asked. Each inquisitor will get their own post and a set of questions from me which they will need to answer in their own blog.

Now on to the question from Audrey at Sangria Lover. Her question for me is, "If you could move anywhere in the world, where would you go and why"

I grew up in a small city in south-east Saskatchewan. I lived there for 18 years. Finished high school and got the heck out of dodge. I migrated north to Saskatoon. Both of my sisters lived there with their families and it just seemed like the natural choice. I worked for a couple years, went to university for a few years. Then I got engaged and took a year off work. I moved back home with my mom & dad. I planned my wedding, worked in the nursing home as a nurse's aide. Then when I got married, I moved back to Saskatoon and went back to nursing school. My three older children were all born in Saskatoon. The son I lost is buried in Saskatoon, as is my father. I moved to Alberta in 2001. As much as I love it here, this never has felt like home. I have always longed to be back in Saskatoon nestled in my family.

I would also love to travel the world. I have only travelled to a few places in the US....a few places in Canada......but that is it. I would love to travel to South America, Europe, Asia....basically.....I would love to travel the world. I want to see Scotland, as I have Scots heritage. I would love to go to Paris with NewMan. I would like to go to London England, as that is where my father was stationed during WW2 and he talked of it often. NewMan often talks of places he has travelled to and would like to take me to....I would go anywhere in the world with him, experiencing what he has experienced .... with him at my side.... with my children too.... teaching them that the world does not end at the edge of this small town that we live in.

So the short answer to this question is, I would love to be centered back in Saskatoon, with my family all close at hand....but I would love to be everywhere in the world as well, learning about the cultures, customs, experiencing life.

Can you all tell that my favourite Reality Show is Amazing Race?????

Now for your questions, Audrey......"If you could go on any Reality Show, which one would you go on and why? Who would you take with you (if you needed a partner)? Play to win or play true to your personality? What is that personality??" I know that is way more than one question, but, you need to answer all of those to give perspective.

Open Forum - Questions from At Your Cervix

I will be tackling the questions posed to me separately in each post. Continue to post your questions for me in the comments of the original Open Forum post.

My first questions come from a Labour and Delivery Nurse @ At Your Cervix. She is curious about my feelings on Rural Nursing.

What do you love about small rural hospital nursing? What bugs the heck out of you about rural hospital nursing?

I happen to work in a very active rural hospital where we do acute care nursing. The services we offer here include Medicine, Surgery, Labour & Delivery, Post Partum, and Rehabilitation. We have our share of psych patients as well. There are 16 Acute care beds, 10 beds designated for Alternate Level of Care/Rehab and 1 observation bed for more critical patients such as Cardiacs. We also have a 24hour ER and an Outpatient clinic during the day. We mostly work 12 hour shifts and we are staffed as such..... on day shift, 2 RN's, 2 LPN's and 2 PCA's (only until noon). On night shift, 2 RN's, 2 LPN's (until 11pm, then one goes home) and 1 PCA until 11pm. So, as you can see, most of the time we are fairly busy. I work mostly night shifts, but we do bounce back and forth from days to nights.

I would have to say the thing I like most about working in the rural hospital is the sense of community. There is a camaraderie among the staff that is not typical. I think it may have something to do with being "in the trenches" together so much of the time. In our hospital in particular, there is no real division between the RN's, LPN's, PCA's, housekeeping, dietary, etc. We all work together, sit together at meal breaks, socialize together at functions. As a for instance, right now it is about 4:45am. in about 40 minutes the first kitchen staff member will be coming in to work. There is one of these girls that always takes note of whose cars are in the parking lot, then proceeds to make coffee and bring down a cup for each of us who drinks coffee. She even has memorized that I take only cream in my coffee, no sugar, because I am sweet enough. On busy days when we are run off our feet and don't make it down to the cafeteria for a meal break, the cook will often notice that we haven't come, and she will fix up a cart full of food and bring it down for us to grab as we run.....FREE OF CHARGE to us. Those are things that just do not happen in most larger centers.

A lot of the patients are people we know from the community as well. They aren't just patients to us. They are neighbours, friends, family.... You don't tend to reduce them to their condition, they are real people and they matter. And if you, as one of the co-workers, have the misfortune of being a patient, you are treated with the best of Tender Loving Care that can be found.

What I don't like about working in a small rural hospital is that there is always the uncertainty. On any given day, you have no clue what may come through the ER. Or if it will be someone you know, love, dislike...whatever....and whomever it is, they are looking to you to take care of them the absolute best way you can. We do not have residents that stay in the hospital 24/7. When something comes in to our hospital, we have to assess the patient, call the doctor on call, often waking them from a deep sleep, and try to convey our findings to them so they can make a decision about care. For the most part, our doctors here are good, and come to see all patients who come for care, whatever time of the day or night. As nurses, we also show the doctors courtesy and respect and if we feel there isn't urgency, we will "sit on" a patient until morning and not wake the doctor. I don't like always being the front line person. I don't like having a woman in labour come in pushing and having to catch a baby with no doctor in the room. I don't like having a patient take a turn for the worse and code on me without any code team to call and back me up. I don't like having to be a Jack of All Trades and expected to be Master of All Trades too. It would be so much easier to just have a specialty and stick to one thing. It is nothing for us to have a woman in labour and a cardiac walk in, and one or possibly two palliative patients circling bowl, so to speak. It is stressful, and we are terribly understaffed. We rely on our part time people to pick up the slack for vacation and sick coverage, because we don't have enough casual staff members. It is a constant struggle to walk the line between enough work, too much work, not enough time off, and family time. As a single mom, I am stretched even thinner.

For the most part, rural nursing is rewarding, but along with those rewards comes stress and frustration. I have worked in larger centers on specialized units....I know there is stress and frustration there too.....I think nursing as a whole in this country, Canada, and in the US as well, if fraught with major frustration.

My question for At Your Cervix is now......
What do you see as the major difference between what I do and what you do and do you feel that one is better than the other?? Why?? And do you have any ideas on how to ease the frustrations?? There are three questions, you can sue me back!!

Open Forum

I have been scraping the lint encrusted crevices of my brain to come up with something interesting for me to write about. As seems to happen so very often, I am stumped.

Again, I am sitting here at work, trying desperately to keep my eyes open. Why is it topics that seem wildly entertaining and witty at 4:22AM appear to be just mindless drivel in the light of day?? I have started several topics over the last couple of nights only to have them look so ridiculous when I get home that I trash them completely. So, my loyal readers, (all two of you....one of which I am sleeping with *wink*), I implore you to give me fodder to write on.

I am opening up the phone lines and I am taking calls. Whatever is on your mind, just come on out and ask me. Have a question for me about my job, my life, my kids?? Go ahead and ask. Have a topic that you would like me to give my editorial commentary on?? Post it in the comments. I will do my best to write on any subject, answer any question, give my opinion or advice on any pressing concern you may have. However, I do reserve the right to censor any freaks, weirdos, perverts (yes, NewMan, that means you too), and other undesirables out of my comments. I will endeavour to do my utmost to be as honest, sincere and entertaining as possible.

I have had to reinstate the commenting rules again, however. You have to have a blogger account and the word verification thingy has been turned back on, because of some spammers hate comments that were plugged into my comment box.

OH, and I almost forgot....if you do post me a question, you have to be prepared to answer one back for me, on YOUR blog......and if you don't have a blog......in my comments. That isn't too much to ask in return, is it?

Let the games begin........

Happy Easter!!!

The Ether Bunny!

On being a single mom.......

I am inspired by a post by Sara at The Estrogen Files. She believes that single moms should not date until the children have left home. I respect her opinion, for her own life. She lives in a wonderful marriage, she has a belief system and moral code that dictates she not divorce. I am happy for her. I wish I had chosen the right husband the first time around and would not have had to put my children through divorce. But that was not meant to be for me.

But, I also do not believe that my children would have benefit from me being lonely and unhappy until they left home either.

I did not choose to be a single mother. My first marriage dissolved after years of mutual emotional abuse. It was unhealthy for me, my ex-husband, and our children. He was unhappy, I was depressed, the children were a mess. He left and I picked up the pieces of my life. A year later, I met a wonderful man.....we knew we were soul mates. My children didn't meet him until almost 2 years after my husband and I split. We were all happy. But something happened and caused us to split up.

I had another relationship, never married, but had another child. That relationship was not good for a long time, but I tried really hard to keep it together. For the sake of the children.........only I found out later that I was forsaking the children with that relationship. They were miserable, as was I and as was he. I finally set him free, so to speak.

Now, I have reunited with the man I was involved with after my first marriage dissolved. We believe now, more than ever, that we are soul mates. We have forged a bond that is not to be broken again. We know that bond was essentially forged several years ago when we were first together. Now, if I had met him first, I may believe what Sara believes, that there would be no other marriage in my life. I know that with this man.........my children will only benefit, blossom, grow and flourish in the love that NewMan and I share. He believes in family and children and we have similar beliefs and moral code.

I do not believe my children would have been happy if I had chosen to be alone and lonely and bitter.....I do not think they would have been happy if I only lived for them.........a person, even a mother, has to live for themselves. This does not mean that I don't put my children first, it means I do what I believe to be best for them. In my life, what was best for them was for me to divorce my first husband, to try to find happiness, even if that means making a few mistakes along the road.

I know that different people have different life experience that brings them to different conclusions.....and for me, this is right.....for Sara, her beliefs are right for her. I truly do not believe in forcing my views on someone else, but in being respectful to everyone for their own beliefs.

Sometimes the line between high fashion and "what the hell happened?" can get a little blurry

I am having a fashion dilemma. Basically, I have not fashion sense at all. For most of my adult life I have lived in nursing scrubs, and pajamas. Jeans and T-shirts to go out. The very odd occasion I have had to dress up have sent me into a tailspin culminating in me ending up sitting in a corner playing with my toes.

I am not one who ever wanted to draw attention to myself. I have always hidden behind bulky clothing and drab colors, in order to blend in. But now, I feel like it is time for this butterfly to come out of her cocoon. NewMan is a wonderful dresser. He is classy and always looks amazing. I need to fit in with this! I want to fit in.......but for so long I have been out of the fashion loop, that I have no clue what to wear anymore.

I have looked at many websites and shopped in the stores, but I am really having trouble. I am 40, dating a man younger than myself. I don't want to look 40 and frumpy. But I don't want to look like I am "40 trying to look 25" either. I want to look classy and trendy and sexy. All at the same time. Is that possible???

It seems that the styles from the 70's has popped up lately. I figure if I remember the style, I probably shouldn't wear it again....????? I heard someone say once, "if you wore blue eyeshadow in high school, you shouldn't wear it again".... does the same go for fashion?? I actually have some blue eyeshadow in my makeup bag, because it looked so nice with a blue sweater I bought....but maybe I committed a fashion faux pas. And then comes the makeup........just because eyeshadow comes with four colours to a compact, do you have to use all four colors at the same time? And how do you do that?? I am soooooooooo lost........ I need major help..... Someone out there please.........HELP ME!!!!! I have two weeks before my trip to see NewMan......and even though he tells me I am beautiful, I want to knock his socks off.......any ideas?????