Thursday, June 04, 2009


Here I am sitting at my laptop at 1:30am not able to sleep anymore. No, it is not insomnia, it is night shift hangover. For whatever reason yesterday, I was not feeling well when I got home and I went to sleep about 11am. I slept straight through until now, with only minimal wakings by the kids for this or that. I have no idea why...except that my body just finally gave in to sheer exhaustion. Maybe it is stress induced, or just sleep deprivation, or whatever. All I know is that my sleep pattern is destroyed and I have to work days this weekend.

I was reading the previous post here, about Tucker's fifth birthday, and looking at the amazing photo I had taken of him over last summer. He is about to graduate from kindergarten soon. I can't believe how quickly time is slipping by.

It seems in life we are always waiting for what is coming....never truly living for the moment. When we are young, we want to be older. When we are single, we want to be married. When we are pregnant, we can't wait for the baby to come. When we have the baby, we are just waiting for the day when they are more independent. Always looking forward rather than enjoying the moment we have at hand.

Until the time comes that we realize that most of our life is behind us....then we begin to long to have those days back again.

I have recently been faced with some of this. In looking at Tucker and realizing I will never again hold a baby of my own, nursing them, giving them something only I can give them. I miss so much the smell of my own newborn's soft spot. The feeling of knowing this being relies on you completely for their survival. So much of the time my children were babies, I was so consumed by other things, that I don't remember just sitting and enjoying them the way I should have. There was so much stress, turmoil, fear, depression....way too much time focusing on my own issues and not just loving those incredible moments that flee way too quickly.

Thinking there will always be time later....and not at all stopping to think that NOW will never come again. I try not to live in regret now, but try to make the best of every moment I have....but even the realization of how delicate and fragile time is, does not always make me stop savour the moment.

For some time now, I have started a habit that may seem a little strange to some of my family. Instead of just letting it be implied, whenever we part, either on the phone or in person, I tell them I love them. At first this was not easy, as it was not something that was said a lot....because, well, there would always be time later, right? After losing my dad, my aunt, uncle, etc.....I realized....there is never the certainty that there will be time later. So now, my mom, my sisters, my kids, my Jacques....they hear it every time we talk....I love you. Three easy words to say.... but ones that if not said, can make one live in regret.

Take time today to enjoy the moment that is....whatever it is....find a reason to just stop and remember today....and tell the people in your life just what they mean to you....and don't ever let it just be implied.

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