Since I was encouraged to do so.......

I will write a post about NewMan.

NewMan is actually a past relationship. We met a long time ago. We were friends for a few years before I was divorced the first time. We started dating about a year after my divorce. I was instantly in love.

Sadly things didn't work out then. We broke up about 6 years ago. My life then took some major curves and I ended up moving, and essentially losing touch with this phenomenal man. Both of us went on to live our lives out. Both meeting other people. Both embarking on relationships, having new babies, etc. Ironically, both our lives seemed to have fallen apart at the same time. Thanks to a mutual friend, we found each other again.

We have faced some trials since we have come back to one another. But, it has all been worth every bit of it. We know there are many more trials to face, but we intend to meet those head on and face them together.

I am not sure how many of you believe in soul mates, in destiny, in fate. I definitely do. If I didn't, I never would have taken this opportunity at a second chance the way I have. I know there are a great many people who have opinions about me, about us, about how I have chosen to live my life. To those people, I say, "F-you". When I stepped off that plane and saw this man whom I have not seen face to face for 6 years, and felt like I was finally where I was supposed to be, I knew I had made the right choice for me and for my family. I was completely and utterly in love........and I realized I had never really stopped loving that man.

As for what we are like together.....it is like every fairy tale you can think of. He is my Prince.....he is charming, not only with me but with everyone he meets. He is gallant, loyal, romantic and amazing. I am his princess. He treats me with the utmost of respect and care, putting me and my wants, desires and needs above all else (like my need for a strong cup of coffee first thing in the morning even though he never drinks the stuff himself). He seems to be able to anticipate my likes (except for that of heart shaped jewelry) and is conscientious to my insecurities. He has taught me to love myself with the utmost of uncondtion, the way that he loves me. This is really something I have never experienced before I met him, and never have again.

Stay tuned for more...............

Life Support

My blog has been on life support lately. I am struggling with topics and in finding ways to make those topics interesting and entertaining. I sometimes will think of a topic while I am out shopping, or at work. I sit down to write the blog later, and can't remember what it was I was going to write about. So I have nothing.

I read so many amazing blogs where the authors write such witty, funny or moving posts every day. I just don't know how they do it. I envy them so, and I try so hard to emulate that. I have failed so miserably lately...

I suppose it is because the one thing that is most forefront in my thoughts all the time is my new/old relationship and just how incredibly happy and giddy I am about that. I could so easily just sit here and write and gush about how wonderful he is, how sexy he is, how.....um......good he is........but I don't want you all to be jealous.

I haven't even had any good kid stories lately. I could rant about work, but that gets old really fast. I am just at a loss.

I guess all I can say is, please keep coming back to read, I am really hoping I get my groove back soon.

Love and Marriage

So, I told you a few days ago that my mother was able to convince my ex-husband (we have been divorced 8 years) to come and finish up the laminate flooring project on my house that he started with my 15yr old son last fall. Even after 8 years, he must still be scared of her, because he did show up, he finished it up and now he is gone.

I was reflecting on this with the New Man saying, "It was just like when ExHusband and I were married." "Oh? How so?" "Well" I said, "we pass each other in the hall and ignore each other"

For some reason, my mom still dotes on my ex-husband. She treats him as though he is still part of the family. She expects ME to do the same. Forgive me if I do not feel the need to cook, clean, and wash clothes for the man who walked out on me on New Year's Day when our daughter was 1 WEEK old.....yes, I said 1 WEEK. Now, he and I have come a long way. I can now be in the same room with him without wanting to gouge out his eyes with rusty spoons. I have come past the overwhelming desire to have the man's testicles bronzed......then cut off.....for me to display proudly on my piano. We are amicable, for the sake of the children. I even asked my mother if she realized that he and I were divorced and that he is sleeping with someone else now. Her answer???? "He is the father of the children"......yes he is......but wait....he is only the father of 3 children. My Tuc has a different father. So I challenged her again. "What about ExHusbandPartTwo?"......she had no answer. You see, in her eyes, no one ever measured up to ExHusband. I am not sure why. Now, granted, I am thankful and happy that he came and installed my new laminate floor free of charge. But I think we are even, what with me caring for his spawn all these years.

New Man and I have talked at length about the roles of parents, the roles of ex's, the roles of family, and what the vows of marriage mean. We have some pretty distinct ideas.....luckily for us, our views are similar and I think we are going to be just fine.

I just flew home, and boy are my arms tired........

Actually.....I got off the plane about 11:pm last night, and got home about 1:am.

I had an amazing time. It was really like no time had ever passed since we had been together the last time, which was about 6 years ago. When I saw him walking towards me at the baggage claim on Tuesday night, my knees went weak! I haven't felt like that for a very, very long time. I felt like a teenager! *LOL*

We spent long hours talking. Having real conversations. Intelligent conversations about things that matter to us. Just like we used to have long ago. We spent time just getting reacquainted with one another. Remembering things from the past, reflecting on the things that went wrong last time and how we can use those past mistakes and learn and grow from them.

There was an ease to the time we were together. An ease that wasn't always there the last time. It was just good. Very good. Amazing.

I am incredibly happy..........

A whole week has passed.....

Since I last wrote. I am currently at work. Shortly after 3:am. This has been the most time I have had to myself since my mother descended upon my home last Sunday night. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my mother. I appreciate her. She is a very hard worker, very organized......much like a drill Sargent. Things around my house have really gotten into shape. She has somehow convinced my first ex-husband to come and finish up the flooring that he started last fall and abandoned when he met a new girlfriend. She also pushed the town into getting them to drop off the town truck for us to load up the garbage in the garage (I had been waiting for them for a few weeks). She has gotten more laundry done in a week than I can manage in a month. Unfortunately, I have no place to actually put all that clean, folded laundry.

She will be here for another week or so. I am heading out of town on Tuesday morning for a rendez-vous with a dear friend of mine......well, who am I trying to kid..... I am meeting up with an old boyfriend, who has become a new boyfriend again. Anyway, by the time I return home next Friday night, she should have the kids whipped into shape, the house completely renovated, and the dog should be doing back flips for perogies.

Is it just me????

Or don't you all think that Blogrolling is thumbing their noses at me? I mean really....every blog in my blogroll updated forever......I don't freakin' think so!!!!

Geez.....from one extreme to the other.........ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

I know that people in my Real Life won't believe this...

but,

I am at a loss for words today........

I have nothing...........

Go check out my other blog, Imperfect Perfections to see the other side of me.......

While you go there to read, comment, whatever.......I'll be here looking for my writing mojo.....

WOW!

It looks like Blogrolling has updated everyone on the system......wonder how long it will be until the blogs just start sifting out to the bottom again..........

I actually finally got an email response from them a couple days ago saying that they were looking into the problem. It only took them two months to reply.

I may NOT be around for a while......

UPDATED BELOW **

What do you do when your house is a disaster and your MOTHER is coming today?? And she is staying for 3 WEEKS?????

You barely sleep, you have anxiety attacks all night long, you plead with God for a snow storm so she can't come. But do you clean the house??? Oh no....that would take away from blogging time!!!

My house has been in renovation hell since September. I have not really done any cleaning since then either......since, what's the point?? UGH!! The worst is the laundry. Laundry is piled everywhere........clean in baskets upon baskets, dirty on the floor of the laundry room, floor of my room, floor of daughter's room.......it is everywhere. I have actually contemplated just throwing all the clothes away and just starting fresh.

I have always had laundry issues...but it is worse than ever right now. I have actually been known to go buy new socks and underwear for the kids instead of trying to find clean stuff in my laundry baskets. I hate folding clothes and trying to put things away, I have just never been great at the laundry thing. I really should have made some New Year's Resolutions about my laundry issues, but it seems too late now......especially with MOTHER breathing down my neck.

So if you don't see me here for a while, know it is because I am fighting my way out from under a pile stinking pile of dirty laundry!

**apparently my brother-in-law was delayed today, so they will not be coming out today....BELIEVE in the power of prayer!!!!!

This could only happen to me...well, maybe not......

I have suffered an injury while engaging in my most favourite sport, and a few months back I took up an extreme version of this sport. The injury is incredibly painful. So much so that I actually couldn't sleep last night and had to take painkillers to get to sleep. But like all dedicated athletes, I am going to play through the pain today and jump back into the game. I injured my wrist, my right wrist. The baby finger is almost completely numb, and the ring finger is numb down one side. The wrist hurts when I move it, causing pain to shoot up to my elbow.

You may be wondering what crazy, dumbass thing I have gotten myself into now. What kind of sport would cause such an injury. Hockey??? Mountain biking??? Snowboarding??? Skateboarding???

No....the extreme sport I am referring to is........KEYBOARDING!!! Extreme keyboarding. With a special interest in extreme blogging and excessive mouse clicking. I am assuming the mouse clicking is what has caused the right hand to be more injured than the left. When I was a secretary, back in another lifetime, I had some carpal tunnel issues. My hands would go numb while I was typing and my watch would just feel like it was choking me. I don't wear a watch anymore. If I did, I surely wouldn't spend ever so many hours sitting here typing in my blogs and clicking on blog link after blog link reading. Add this new found sport to my already full fledged internet addiction, and you end up with keyboarding injuries.

Pass me the ibuprofen and a wrist splint, please.

What are your blogging habits???

Are you obsessed like me? I write my post, and several times a day come back to see if there are any comments. I write comments on other blogs, and will check back a time or two a day to see if there was a reply to my comment. Of course, this is the days when I am not at work....then I am lucky if I blog at all.

I know I am an attention hound........I am a Leo and that means Sun sign, and that means I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!! You all heard that, right? THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!! As I said in a previous post, I am a COMMENT-WHORE.....meaning, I will do anything for comments.....anything. Well....okay, I am more of a HIGH PRICED COMMENT CALL GIRL....I will do pretty much anything, but the comment better be damn good.

Since it is Saturday of De-Lurking Week, time is running out fast. You all need to comment soon. Tell me about some cool blog that I don't have in my blogroll that you think I might like to read.

Okay, today is Friday of De-lurking week.....

I know by the stats, I get WAY more hits here every day than say........7 (I think that is the greatest number of comments I have ever received on a post...and that post was about poop).

I really really want to see who is reading me (THAT MEANS YOU TOO, MY SISTERS AND OTHER FAMILY).

I am changing the comment feature on here for the remainder of the weekend so that anyone can comment. Tell me who you are (if you choose), where you are from, how you found my blog, and what you really think of it. You may have to read back a few posts to find the really good ones. Actually, there is a challenge for my more regular readers........tell me which posts you liked best and point some of the new readers to them.....that way, I will know what to write about most (trying to think up some more poop stories). I feel like such a comment-whore.......begging and pleading. But, too bad.

As you can see I have the attention span of a gnat.....

Well, actually, I am not really sure what the attention span of a gnat is, if anyone wants to Google that for me and post the answer in my comments, I will give you a mention.

As I was sitting here looking at my blog, I realized that "Focused Insanity" just wasn't fitting.....since most of my insanity is way way way out of focus. I wasn't being true to my current state of mental ill health. The first name I had for this blog, "Rissy's Rants, Raves and Recitations"....while it was strong on alliteration, really wasn't all that true either, since I mostly just rant, and besides that, I have pretty much dropped the pseudonym of Rissy. If any of you wonder about that, it came about when I first started chatting online about 10 years ago.

I started chatting in a place called ParentsPlace. Anyone here ever hear of it? It was a web based chat room that was supposed to be for parents to chat about.....well parenting. It turned out to be more of a meat market for bored housewives and equally bored daddies. There were more hookups in that place than in the No Tell Motel. But anyway..... I was looking for a name for myself....the first few times I went into the room, I used the name momof2 (because I had just only had my second child.......seems like a lifetime ago). Pretty boring, huh? Soon I decided I needed something a little more identifiable. So I decided to go with the name that my mom used to call me as a child, Rissy. There were some variations on it.....at Christmas I would become Ristletoe, at Halloween, Risenstein, you get the idea. I had met a lot of very good friends during that time, some of them still call me Rissy or Ris. Then, after a brief hiatus (more commonly known as my divorce), I came back with a more mature attitude. I had metamorphosed into Rhyssa. This was because of the royal rebel Rhys-Jones, I think her first name was Sophie, who just didn't stand for no crap. That is who I wanted to be. In fact, when I met my second significant other (he knocked me up but never officially married me) online, that was the name I was using. He never knew my real name was Iris until we met face to face the first time. Now I am back to owning my own name, Iris. I really like this name. Thanks Mom & Dad!

See how my attention wanders? And I wonder why my kids are all in Attention Deficit Hell.

So as for the name of the blog, I know it is a pain in the ass, you will have to change your bookmarks, your blogrolls (I am still really pissed at them), or whatever way you have of coming back here to read my crazy little disjointed thoughts. But, as I was told earlier, "Iris, you are such major pain in the ass, but I love you anyway"....everyone together now........awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Random musings for the evening and edited this morning.........

Blogrolling still sucks. BLOGROLLING REALLY SUCKS!!!!

It is delurking week, please comment. I SAID IT IS DE-LURKING WEEK, PLEASE COMMENT!!!!

I have discovered that I can be REALLY sensitive and really cranky when I am working nights.

I have also discovered that being cranky and sensitive sometimes gets you what you want. (Earl Grey tea upon waking)

I have to work the night shift tonight, Wednesday January 10th.

I am the queen of my household, and my children are my peasantfolk. As long as we all know our place, things should go smoothly.

I am not against a beheading (and yes I said beheading) of those who do not toe the line.

Blackmail is acceptable when a queen uses it against her peasantfolk.

I love this blog, and especially this post. Thank you Humble RN.

My life is filled with snotty noses, snotty attitudes and dog hair.

Dog hair sticks to snotty noses, not so much to snotty attitudes.

Snotty attitudes can be a precursor to a beheading.

Snotty noses are usually just precursors to more snotty noses.

Could it Be???

Is blogrolling working again?? I am probably jinxing it by even mentioning it, so........I stop now.

On another note, yesterday when I woke up in the afternoon from my sleep, before getting out of bed to get ready for the third night shift in a row, my daughter had a cup of tea ready for me in no time flat. Not only that, my 15yr old son brought in a bowl of Mac & Cheese for me, without me even ASKING for anything for dinner. You have no idea how appreciated I felt, and how proud I was of my kids for being so considerate. Actually, even today, though I didn't have to go to work tonight, my daughter made me tea when she came home from school. I then went down to the local coffee shop and ordered cheeseburgers for everyone for dinner and brought them home as a surprise.

It isn't rocket science,I tell you

My children, God love them. He better, because today, their mother is less than thrilled.

I am a single mom. I have, for all intents and purposes, been a single mom for all of my time in this hell we call motherhood. I fooled myself for the first few years, since I was married, I wasn't a single mom, was I? Let's investigate that for a moment.

My first ex-husband worked at a job that took him away for a week at a time, every other week. So, I was the sole parent in the home half the time. He was a decent parent to our oldest son. By the time our second son came along, he had found himself a second job which kept him away long days during his week home with us. He would come home for dinner, at times. When our daughter was born, he moved out. I was a single mom in earnest then.

My second husband, while he was good with our own son for the most part, kept himself distant from my older children, not really parenting them at all. Then he got job that kept him away all week long, only coming home weekends, where he would hide in the bedroom watching TV or with his nose in the computer screen. I was the single parental figure in that house as well. He has since moved out.

So, again I find myself in the role of single mother. It isn't terribly unsettling to me, as it is role I have been used to for so long. I honestly do not mind not having to negotiate issues with another parent on decisions for my children. What I do mind is the lack of continuity my children experience.

I work full time, 12 hour swing shifts. I am always being called to come in to cover this or that for work since we are severely understaffed. My children never seem to know which end is up. The never know if I am going to work or coming home. It is really frustrating.

I make rules, and I hope they are enforced.....the only enforcer is the 15yr old son. While he likes to believe he is the king, frankly, the other kids really do not show him a lot of respect.....he doesn't really earn it. I put out lists of chores, but without someone there to keep my Attention Deficit Disorder brood on task, the chores often go undone, to be left for Mom to complete on her very rare days off. Bringing me to another issue, my days off. I am usually so exhausted that it takes a day or two to even have enough energy to consider doing any house work, then I have to go back to work again.

This brings me to today. I worked last night, just as I am tonight. I got home and basically crawled into bed. I woke up at about 4pm and called to my daughter and my son to come to my room. (I am a princess, you all know, and I beckoned my minions to my chambers). I asked my daughter to please make me a cup of Earl Grey tea and asked my son if he could possibly make me some chicken noodle soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. I was tired still and just wanted to relax before having to get up for work. About one hour later, I was still tea, soup and sandwichless. Not to mention a little miffed. So, at the urging of a friend, I decided to lay down the law. I called them all to my room. Pointed out the time frame and the small favour I had asked. I was on a roll. I then added that I work the long hours to pay for the house, food, clothes, video games, stereos, etc that they all enjoy. I layed down some pretty heavy guilt. It wasn't long and I had tea, soup and two sandwiches brought to my bed for me to enjoy before heading off to the shower before work.

Now, I wonder what will happen today when I wake up from my nap. All I want is a cup of tea when I wake up from my sleep. I ask for the same thing, every time.....you would think that they could remember and anticipate my desire and my need. It certainly isn't rocket science.

Getting back to the blog................

The holidays are over. All the presents opened, the paper trashed, the noise makers blown and the champagne drank.

I see that Blogrolling.com is still not working.....some things do not change I suppose.

2007, a new year....full of new and exciting things for so many of us. My life changed drastically at the end of 2006. I am headed in new directions, all with positive outlook. I am happy, content, excited.......and a little scared. Things are going to be very different for me in the coming year. As things unfurl, I will start to tell you about them here, but for now, I will not tempt fate.

One thing I will tell you about though, happened just before Christmas. I bought myself a new car!!!!!!! Not totally new, a buy back from a rental company, but fairly new and red and shiny. It is a 2006 Chrysler Sebring......and I call him Sebastian. I love it. Of course it is still a 4 door, since I still have 4 children. But to me it is sporty, and sexy and I feel really good driving it. Just one more move towards my new life!

Off to celebrate an Insane Christmas!

And I wouldn't have it any other way! I am heading out to my Mom's for the whole holiday season, so you won't see another post here from me until into the New Year. Don't forget to subscribe to this blog and then you will be informed when the new posts start in January.

Thank you to all of my loyal readers for the fun comments and just the shear joy of knowing what you say matters to someone!!

Saving the world, one granny at a time.........

Now, I am not a believer in active euthanasia, that would definitely be frowned upon in my profession.....but....when they are heading towards the light........LET THEM GO!!!

I once had a doctor from South Africa tell me, "We are in a civilized nation here, we can't just sit back and do nothing"......Why not? Why can't we let God's will reign, why can't we let nature take its course? Why can't we let people who are old, sick and dying, just die? What is this need we have to hold on?

Countless times I have seen us trying to force medications down the throats of people dying of cancer. We know they are dying, they have opted not to take treatments or their cancer is too far advanced. Does that Colace and Vitamin D really NEED to be given? Does the Alzheimers patient who doesn't even recognize her own face in the mirror really need to take her Didrocal? I just don't understand it.

As for myself, if, God Forbid, I am ever struck with one of these ailments, I will refuse all and any treatments. No IV, no blood work, no antibiotics, NO CPR, nothing. Feed me only chocolate pudding and ice cream. I just do not think that you last days on earth should be spent trying to force down pills that you are only going to throw back up anyway.

Please go and get a living will drawn up, no matter how young or old you are. Make decisions for yourself, and don't let a grieving family member have to make those decisions for you.

Just another Manic Monday

I suppose that title dates me a bit, huh? I remember when that song came out. Sometime in the early 80's. I was in Junior High school I think.

But this is definitely the anthem for my Monday mornings. Always.

I really don't like having to get up in the mornings and get kids off to school. The constant struggle is too much to take some days. I call them in plenty of time to get up, get dressed, eat, make their OWN lunches..........but, they don't get out of bed. They lay there until like 8:25......until I have yelled back down at them several times. They never seem to find the time to make their own lunches or even eat breakfast. I have tried calling them up earlier and earlier....nothing helps. I have tried leaving them to face the consequences with school, but I am the one who gets the phone call and the reprimand about them being late. I don't know how to remedy this situation.

This particular Monday is more manic though. I have to work tonight, and for 3 nights. I have gotten my Christmas shopping done at least....but nothing is wrapped. I wonder if it is bad form to wrap presents at work if it isn't busy? *LOL* I also have a house that is a demolition zone. I have a ton of laundry to do before I leave on Saturday. I have to somehow convince my kids to clean the garbage out of the van so that I can pack in said presents, clothing, 4 kids and a dog to travel the 5 hours to my mom's house for Christmas. I honestly do not know if I am going to make it!!!

6 weird things about me

I was tagged by Frannie Farmer of You Can't Unscramble Scrambled Eggs fame a few days ago to write about 6 weird things about me. I am having some difficulty with it, since, frankly, I do not think I am weird. I am completely normal, the rest of the friggen' world is weird. But.....I am sure that YOU all would be able to note some weird traits about me. If there are any I have missed, please feel free to comment.......you bunch of weirdos...........

Weird Things About Me

1. I love the cream filled chocolates in the box of chocolate...you know, the ones other people bite into and throw in the garbage....no, I don't take them OUT of the garbage and eat them, (thinking of George of Seinfeld and the half eaten donut), but I would never throw one INTO the garbage.

2. I have an office supply fetish. I love office supplies. I carry a ziploc bag full of markers and pens and highlighters and crap in my bag to work. I also carry kids stickers to hand out at work. And I don't let my OWN kids used any of it!

3. I am a blog addict. But none of you think that is weird, do you. What is weird is that I don't understand why lay people are not as interested in it as I am. You would think they would find it really interesting to read what is going on in my crazy little mind.

4. I am a nurse, and that just makes me weird about certain things. I have this strange compulsion to see what is lurking inside boils, pimples, and generally any festering wound that I may find. I should have actually been a pathologist.

5. I collect craft supplies. I have boxes of yarn, cross stitch patterns, kits, knitting needles and crochet hooks of all sizes. I do crafts a bit. I love to do them, but even if I live to be 125, I doubt I will ever use it all up.

6. I have a thing about patterns and numbers. I know that is some psychological disorder. I don't care.

I guess I need to tag someone.........hmmmmmm........not sure who reads here everyday and who hasn't done this already. What the heck, if you want to join in, consider yourself tagged.....

livewithrealme

I am really PO'ed with Blogrolling

I know, I know, you get what you pay for.....and since it is free, I shouldn't complain.........but......I will anyway. This piece of crap service they call Blogrolling needs a kick in the gonads.

It claims to be the best link manager online. Well, it can't even seem to ping the blogs efficiently. I have mine set to put the most recently updated blogs to the top of the list, this particular feature has not been working for days. I did go in and manually ping all the blogs a couple days ago, but I see that everything is settling to the bottom again. FRUSTRATING! The worst is, I have sent email complaints, and been scouring the discussion forums, only to find that Blogrolling has all but been abandonned by its owners. No one writes back, no one checks the forums, and their own blog about blogrolling news hasn't been updated since August.

Anyone out there reading this know of a better service that will do the same thing that Blogrolling CLAIMS to be able to do?

Guest Post Thursdays have become a bust.....

Another Thursday, no guest post. But hey, I can post for myself, I am a big girl!!

It is such a difficult time of year. The hustle and bustle. The overspending, over eating, over drinking, over and over and over. I am not particularly a Christmas person.

I have often said, if I hadn't had children, I would just ignore Christmas all together. The holiday had always been rather depressing to me, even as a child. I was the youngest of 5 children. My siblings being 14, 12, 10, & 6 years older than me. I often felt like an only child. The three older kids all left home young, marrying young and moving away. I do not really remember any Christmases with them home. They didn't trek home like so many families do. They made their own traditions with their children, and outside of maybe one or two, we just were not together.

My mom worked in a nursing home. She, like me, worked swing shifts, and often worked holidays too. I do not ever remember resenting this. It was just how life was. My children have much the same feeling....there are many holidays that I am not home. This left my father and I alone a lot. This was not a bad thing. My dad and I were close. We talked a lot. We talked about intelligent things. I loved having my dad to myself a lot of the time. He taught me to speak French....though, not particularly well. I wish I had paid more attention to that now, now that he is gone. I would love to be able to speak French with more confidence and ease.

At Christmas time though, my dad would often turn sullen, melancholy. I would ask him what was wrong. He would tell me, he missed his family. His brothers had both died young. His sister rarely ventured from her home to visit us. He sometimes would go to visit there, but usually, he just was home with me. We would sit in the living room, by the lights of the Christmas tree, watching some TV special, or listening to Mario Lanza's Christmas album, my dad's favourite. He would often be crying.

As years went on, I too left home. I rarely came back for Christmas. I had my own baby and chose to make my own traditions too. But still, at night when everyone was gone to bed, I would sit, by the lights of the Christmas tree, and I too would cry. Not even sure why. Probably mourning the big family gatherings I never had. I had always wanted to have a family like the Waltons.....everyone just caring so much about each other, wanting to be together. I had tried a few times to bring my family together at Christmas.....for Heaven's sake, we all lived in the same city... my parents had even moved there too...but it never really happened. Sure we would get together for the meal, but soon everyone would drift away. There was no lingering and visiting......it left me feeling empty and even more alone.

This year, though, I am taking some vacation time. I am taking my children and going to spend Christmas with my mom. I have already told my sisters that I want us to get together for New Year's Day......I do hope that they honour this request. But even if they don't......I am going to go home, to be with my mom.......to spend the holidays the way they should be, with my family. And for the first time in a very very long time, I am excited about Christmas!!

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My first breakdown as a nurse.......

This past weekend has been difficult for me.

For anyone who is just tuning in, I am a registered nurse in a rural hospital. I am a recently single mom again, to 4 children. I work 12 hour swing shifts, and am in a state of anxiety and exhaustion a lot of the time. Friday morning was no exception to this rule.

I went in to work on Friday morning. The girls (my co-workers) were talking about events that had happened in the community the day before. Neither incident happening in our own hospital, but to people in our community. There had been a bad accident where a pregnant woman was killed 2 days before her wedding, while her fiance was travelling in the vehicle behind her. The other involving a 2 1/2 yr old baby, who was sleeping with its mother. The mother woke to find the baby dead beside her in the bed. There are speculations about what happened, the baby had been ill at birth for several weeks, but my heart just ached for these people. So much death, so close to Christmas. It was really a shock. But I am a tough nurse and a tough person, things like this, while they make me reflect on my own mortality, do not really affect me in any other way.

The morning had been uneventful. I had a meeting for one of the committees I am on, and that was fine. After lunch we had a staff meeting planned. When I came back from lunch, one of my co-workers said that there was someone there to see me. I go to the nursing station to find my ex sitting there. He and I have been having problems probably since shortly after we got together, but more intense difficulties in the last year, until I told him not to come home again about 8 weeks ago. This man is the father of my youngest son, Tuc. He and I never married. But, he is still my ex for all intents and purposes. I ask him to come to the quiet room, so I can shut the door and tell him off in private. How inappropriate to show up at my work, bringing me gifts.....we are not a couple anymore. He wanted to talk about getting back together.......I want nothing more to do with this relationship. I spent way too much time trying to convince him that it was truly over. I did go to my staff meeting, but my head was not in the game. I kept wondering what the hell this man was wanting.

The meeting ended, he was still sitting in the quiet room. Two of the other nurses had gone to pass out ice and do vitals in the afternoon. The emergency bell rang from one of the rooms. I rush in there to find a relatively young man lying on the floor, a pool of blood under his head. No pulse, no breathing. The other RN comes in, we are doing CPR, waiting for the dr to come.....what seemed like forever, probably just a few minutes. He is intubated, we are still doing CPR, there is no rhythm on the monitor. We are giving him drugs. I am bagging him, my co-workers pumping his chest. The dr calls the time of death.........then the man's cell phone rings........the room falls silent. We know it must be his wife. No one answers the phone. I take the bagger off of him, lean my head against the wall. I am overcome, I cannot take one more moment of this scene. I leave the room and head to the med room. Shut the door and put my head on the counter and cry. I have never once cried over a patient. That is not to say I haven't felt sad or angry enough before, but I have always kept my composure. This, the culmination of all that was happening, just did me in. A fairly young nurse came into the room too, she too was crying, I hugged her, told her that we did our best, that there was nothing more we could have done. All the while I am angry at my ex for having added to the stress of my day. He is still sitting in the waiting room of my hospital. I want to scream at him, but I can't. I want him to go away. I refuse to go back to talk to him again. He does finally leave, late in the afternoon, after a co-worker went and told him to please leave, he had been there long enough. I was so drained.....but I went back to work on Saturday and on Sunday. Sunday morning being another difficult one. A palliative care patient, only diagnosed with cancer a few days earlier, died at the morning shift change, with many many family around him. It was so sad, his wife barely able to cope. This too, broke my heart. I hugged the wife and talked with the children. Then set about my task of caring for the body. Not a tear in sight.

I have been an RN for going on 9 years. I worked in health care for many years before that, in several different capacities. I am a good nurse, I am a tough nurse, I am a compassionate nurse. I care for patients, families, co-workers alike. I do my job as efficiently as I can.

I love big butts and I don't know why.......

Me: Tuc, you are such a cutie-patootie
Tuc: What's a "tatootie"
Me: *patting his butt* That is your patootie
Tuc: My cute tatootie!! Cute TATTOOTIE!! Cute Buttootie!!!
Me: *laughing*
Tuc: You cute buttootie too, Mom....
Me: Thanks, Tuc....
Tuc: Mom, why is your butt big and mine is wittle??
Me: Tuc, mommy's have big butts sometimes.
Tuc: You just growed it that way, huh?
Me: Yep Tuc, with the help of you four kids and Ben & Jerry
Tuc: Who are Ben & Jerry??
Me: Never mind, kiddo
Tuc: I wuv your big buttootie, Mom......

Gotta love that kid.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Seems that things had really settled down. Until another crap load of lemons hit. That was Friday night. I won't go into details, there are more details over at Imperfect Perfections.

So basically, the events of the past week have driven me out of my mind. I haven't been able to be very creative, and I really didn't want to litter this blog with anymore anger and bitterness than I had already done......so, I am taking five. I hope to be back tomorrow or the next day with a decent, fun, funny, insightful post. Of course, Thursday is guest post day, if anyone is interested?????

We Have Lemonade!!!!

Now, a couple days ago I posted a rather angry, frustrated post about the nasty stinking lemons that life was throwing my way. Without going into detail about what it was that happened, I can say that it had the very real potential to change the course of my life, and not for the better. It was the kind of news that you know, deep in the pit of your stomach, is coming. When the person telling you starts telling it, you feel your stomach, flipping and churning, your mind is not even listening to the words being said, you are making silent prayers in your head saying, "Please don't let them say THAT" "Please let it be something else" "Please, God, Please don't let this be happening". But it is to no avail, the dreaded words come forth anyway, and then the sinking feeling hits. Your stomach lurches. You can't even speak. One, because you really don't know what to say, and two, because if you do, you will only cry or curse or scream. Sadly for me, I was at work when this happened. I had to hold it together until the end of my shift when I could go out to my van and just sit there, head resting on the steering wheel, crying. Driving home, trying to see between tears. Wondering what I should actually do. Or if I should do anything at all. Wondering what the other people involved were going to do or would want me to do. It was confusing, and upsetting.

But now, a few days later. Things have been discussed. Decisions have been made. Things are being planned and life is going on. It still has the potential to change the course of my life. But not as profoundly as first thought. At least for now that is what we are thinking. It could change on a moments notice. But I have faith that things will work out the way I am being told they are. It has become but a minor setback in the original plan, but, what is life if there are no setbacks, right? I think we finally have lemonade....anyone want a glass???

You all may have noticed the change of scenery here

I am not happy with it at all. I liked my unique look. My sarcastic blog template. I can't get it to work at all with Blogger Beta. And that pisses me off. I have always prided myself on not being one of the masses. Having something unique. And now, my blog looks like every other blog in Blogger's Blogland. I have tried everything I can think of to get it to work, all in vain. If anyone out there knows how to make it work, please please please email me and help me out.

I must apologize for the lameness and suckiness of this blog lately. As you can see by yesterday's post, life kinda crapped all over me this week.....and I am working night shift, and not getting any sleep during the day....so my creativity has kind of fizzled out for the time being. I promise to get back to the fun stuff soon. I think I need to sit down and have another conversation with Tucker soon, he is always good for a blog post inspiration.

I may actually decide to post a meme here, just to fill in space. Is that lame? Naw, I like the blogs that post unique memes. For right now, I will just sit here, at work and wallow in the fact that I won't be able to sleep tomorrow because I have no babysitter again. That actually might spark some creativity, or a little more insanity.....not sure which. You can check out what happened LAST time I worked a night and didn't go to sleep the next morning here. If you like it, I am sure that there are more of them lurking about in my cluttered mind, I just have to do a little tidying up in there to find them.

What the hell is so great about lemonade??

The say when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. Well, today, I just got shit on by a crap load of lemons. Rotten, decaying, smelling lemons. I have no idea how to turn this stink fest into lemonade. I have been pondering this all morning. And only one solution comes to mind.

Would the person who dropped that bombshell last night, you know who you are, the one that is so desperately trying to hold onto something that died a quiet, blank-stared death three years ago, kindly just fuck off and die????

There, I feel a little bit better.........but I still don't want any fucking lemonade.

B-b-b-b-b-b-aby It's C-c-c-c-c-c-old outside!

Winter in Alberta.
Cold.
Damn cold.
Freeze the balls off a brass monkey, cold.

Not quite as cold as winters in Saskatchewan though. I lived in Saskatchewan for 35 years before I moved to Alberta 5 years ago. Winters up here can be pretty harsh. I specifically remember the winter that my middle son was born, it hit -40°C (which ironically is -40°F as well) for 17 days straight. You know what we called it? A bit of a cold snap. Talk about understating things.

Serious serious blogger's block today...............

I wonder if anyone has coined that term yet?? Blogger's Block. If not, think I could become famous with it??? Never mind, I am certain I am not that witty today to have come up with a new phrase no one has ever heard yet.

I think I will blame my Blogger's Block on getting my flu shot yesterday. A lot of people blame the flu shot for all kinds of ailments that might bestow them in the days following getting the shot. I mean, who are the people that get flu shots, usually. Old frail people that barely leave their homes, health care workers and children. Now let's examine this just a little. The old people, when getting their flu shot, travel out of their homes, into a dr's office, which is absolutely ripe with all kinds of germs during this time of year. Children, in snot laden, germ infested day cares and classrooms. Health care workers, who likely on the day they received their vaccination were elbow deep in any variety of body fluids. Yeah, I am sure it was the dead virus in the needle that made you sick.

A Thank You to my First Guest Poster!

Thank you to Ali from Cheaper Than Therapy for her wonderful post to my blog. She is a marvellous writer. Go and check out her blog and surf around from there too. I have found some really amazing writers from her site.

Thanks Ali!!!!

Canadian Idiot - Weird Al

Well, I couldn't believe this when I saw it. But being Canadian, I found this absolutely hilarious! I have heard that there are a lot of Canadians who are upset and offended by Weird Al's "Canadian Idiot" which, if you don't know, is a parody of Green Day's "American Idiot". I don't know why. I heard it for the first time last night and I just howled. There are several homemade videos done to this song on You Tube, but the following one is pretty good.

Wagon falling and Claymates

So this is my very first guest post. I'm a guest-posting virgin, if you will. Bear with me as I am both giddy with excitement and nervous as hell. (think: Brenda Walsh on prom night) I’m not even exactly sure how this is supposed to work. Should I try to be funny? Witty? Should I try to sound smart? Should I write about newsworthy current events? Hmmm….you’ll also have to forgive me. I’m slightly distracted by the sugar and carbs that are currently running through my body.
You see, last night my husband came home with a gift for me. the best gift I've ever gotten.
A giant cinnamon roll with cream cheese icing. It was hot and gooey and wonderful. I'm reviewing this book by Natalie Babbit at work, it’s called The Search for Delicious, and I should tell them that they can stop their search. I've got their delicious in my kitchen. I am telling y'all – heaven on a plate.
I know, I know. This is NOT on South Beach. I cheated. I’m a cheater. I had 11 days! 11 days of no carbs and no sugar. Now I feel like I need to find a meeting or something. I’ve fallen off the wagon.
Although, wonder of wonders, when I got on the scale this morning, after 10 morning of ZERO weight loss (and I don’t count the .5 pound daily up and down fluctuation), I was 3½ pounds down! Since Earl and I are both big believers in karma, I don’t know what to do with this information. Should I take it is…my body is meant to have carbs and sugar (mmmmm….sugar) so go ahead and eat it. Enjoy. Or, should I take this as a sign that I should go back on the diet. Karma. Hmmm? Anyone?
I do actually talk about things that are NOT diet related these days. I know some people think I’m totally consumed with it. But, I’m not. What I really wanted to talk about today is the whole RIPA-gate fiasco that's sweeping the nation. And Canada, too. Y'all know which one I’m talking about. Kelly Ripa? Clay Aiken? Rosie O'Donnell?



Okay…so, let me get this straight. (no pun intended there). Clay puts his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth. She pulls his hand away and says, "I don’t know where your hand's been honey!"
And this makes her a homophobe, Rosie?



I should think an action and comment like this should make her a germophobe, not a homophobe.
Because the more I think about it, the more I think I would have done. the. exact. same. thing. Only I probably wouldn’t have been as funny.
Come on, people. I wouldn’t want anyone putting his hands over my mouth. Man, woman, gay, straight. Unless i know that he or she had used a bottle of purell. I don't even know if I'd make exception for Jude Law. (oh, who am I kidding. I totally would)
What about you? Thoughts? Was Rosie O’Donnell right? Wrong?

Guest Post Thursday

Hi Everyone,

Today you should be treated to a post by a wonderful writer whose Blogs I have been reading for a short while, here. I hope you enjoy it and travel over to her blogs, Cheaper Than Therapy and Fabulous! if you haven't already and check out some of her other posts.

To my American Friends
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

To Night Shift and No Babysitter

Thirty hours without sleep
purple penguins at her feet
Tucker running round and round
Mommy eating coffee grounds

Hearing call bells in her head
oh how she longs to be in bed
To sleep, to sleep perchance to dream
of babbling brooks and rushing streams

Of sunny skies and rainbow trout
and small green froggies all about
Across the streets they try to hop
amongst the traffic, it won't stop

And yellow circles eating dots
chased by ghosts, oh see the spots
Of Dick & Jane, who see Spot run
And Jack & Jill, just having fun

Psychedelic floating butterfly
belly dancing hippopotami*
All end up in a traffic jam
and Mary had a little lamb.

By: one ass-tired Rissybutt

*Hippopotami really is the plural of hippopotamus (though hippopotamuses is
also acceptable)

What do you mean, you don't care about my blog??

In a post over at crazymumma's place, I read about a T-shirt that says, "I don't care about your blog". I was shocked!!! I had no idea that the looks I was receiving from people were the blank stares of boredom and indifference!! I took the wide eyes and open mouths as those of excitement and utter amazement that I had any creativity in me at all. I am crushed.

My family, on the other hand, has been inundated by my blog. In all of my personal emails, there is an invitation to come and read here. My sisters have read here, "Hi, Girls!". They never leave a comment though. I did get a nice email from my one sister about my post about my dad, telling me that I had done a nice job. Apparently she told my mom about it, because the other day when talking to mom, she said, "Your sister told me about the article you wrote about your dad on your blog". Say WHAT???? Did my 75yr old mother just say the word BLOG???? Wow, I was amazed. She said my sister was going to print it out for her to read, since she doesn't own a computer at all. Thanks, J.

This blogging thing has really taken on a life of its own for me. I can't believe how wonderful it is to write and be read. And to reach out and read a host of absolutely wonderful writers in exchange. I urge anyone who reads this to take note of the blogs I follow, over to the left and give them a read too. I have found some pretty amazing things out there. One of those bloggers over there will be writing a guest post here for me on Thursday. Be sure to come and read it, as she is an excellent writer and her blog has quite a large following.

Everybody Farts

Tuc: MOM!!! Kawyn stinks......
Me: Oh?? Why?
Tuc: She fawted.....*imagine screwed up little face here*
Me: Well, Tuc, everyone farts.
Tuc: Yeah, and Bwaeden doesn't even say 'scuse me
Me: That's boys for ya

Since my posts that mention "poop" have been so wildly popular in the comment arena, I figured I would draw on that formula again.

In doing an Internet search on "Children's Books about farts" and found some really interesting titles. The Little Book of Farting by Alec Bromcie, Farley Farts by Birtie Muller, and a whole series of Walter the Farting Dog books by William Kotzwinkle, Glenn Murray, and Audrey Colman. There is also a book called Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi. I urge you to go check them out at Amazon

Farts, as you know, vary. They can be loud, obnoxious and downright disturbing. Or, they can be of the silent and deadly type. "What the hell is that?" They can be brought on intentionally, or sneak up on you when you least expect it. They can be influenced by ones chosen diet of the day. "You are what you eat" Or they can be a symptom of a digestive disorder. Of course, every mammal farts. I have proof of that, I live with a Basset Hound. We don't call him Gassy Gus for nothing. And for any of you Seinfeld fans, "OH!!! Rusty!!!!"

Different people react to farts, or flatulence if you prefer, differently. Children especially find them amusing and tend to make a big deal about them, no matter where they are or who is the one doing the farting. Most adults try to ignore them, for the most part, or walk away from the offending party. Of course we all have the brother/brother-in-law/uncle/dad/grandpa that thinks they are hilarious, "Dude, pull my finger". Somehow, I can't imagine a woman doing or saying that.

As a nurse, I have been privilege to many emissions of the flatulent variety, and all patients have a different way of reacting. There are the ones that are very embarrassed, the ones that don't really seem to notice, the ones that don't really care. The latter always seem to be the little old grannies. They ring in the night, needing help to the bathroom. You get there and they haven't even started to remove their covers. You put their slippers (god only knows what those have stepped in over the course of the day) on their gnarly little granny feet. You tug and pull and get them to the edge of their bed. Get the walker to them, heave ho, heave ho, heave ho to get them in a standing position. "Tuck your tushy under your shoulders and stand up straight." Walk them to the bathroom. And just as you stand behind them, bending down to assist them with pulling down their underpants, they let one rip. Aren't I lucky? Bet you wish you could be a nurse too!!!

Spellchecker.......am I just being OCD?

I am a stickler for spelling. I really don't like reading my own posts and finding spelling or grammatical errors. It probably has something to do with my self esteem issues and not wanting anyone to view me as less than an intelligent articulate person. I find myself re-reading posts, even after published, going back and editing them, spellchecking them, using the online dictionaries and thesaurus' in order to be correct. And yet, I do not find the need to be politically correct.....go figure.

A conversation with Tucker.....

You may or may not know that Tucker is my 3 year old son. He is sweet, funny, and oh so precocious. Let me tell you how our conversations go sometimes.

Tucker: Mommy, I don't wuv my gurfriends.

Me: Tuc, how many girlfriends do you have?

Tucker: None, *you have to see the little grin and blush when he says this*

Me: Oh? What about Julia? *Julia is the babysitters little girl*

Tucker: I wuv Jooya.

Me: Isn't she your girlfriend then?

Tucker: Yes, but I don't wuv gurfriends.

Me: Okay, you are too young to worry about girlfriends anyway. Who has a girlfriend that you know?

Tucker: Bwaeden (my 15yr old, who, to MY knowledge, has no girlfriend)

Me: Oh? How many girlfriends does he have?

Tucker: Four

Me: Who are they?

Tucker: Mommy, why does Angus eat his own poop?

As you can see, the child has either been brainwashed already to not divulge to the mommy any pertinent information regarding dating habits of the older siblings, or, he got bored and really wanted to know why the dog is so gross.

War Paint

What is this fascination children have with coloring on themselves? Is it the making of a tattoo addict? Every one of my children has this strange behaviour. It starts out young, and my oldest son is still doing it. Of course, now he is asking for tattoos, piercings, etc. I personally have nothing against tattoos, seeing as I have one myself and plan to get more in the future. I have nothing really against piercings either, except I know what people automatically think when they see a kid with piercings on his face. I thank the lord that the law here states that you have to be 18 to be tattooed or pierced, period. No notes from mom or anything. At least this is what i have been told.




I was 30 when I got my tattoo. It isn't the nicest one, but it is very meaningful to me. I got it after I lost my son, Gabriel. It is a cherub over my heart. I loved it then, I love it now, I will love it forever. But I wonder what some of these young people who get trendy tattoos will think in 40 years or so. Somehow I can't imagine caring for an eighty year old woman with a Tramp Stamp. (no this is not me in that photo)






But, I digress. My children all come home with pen and ink all over themselves. The other day I happened to see both my daughter and my son (the 10yr old one) with faces drawn on their bellies. I guess this is funny when you are that age.....and you make the mouth out of the belly button. Today though, the three year old decided he needed Tribal War Paint.

No Guest Post Today

In an effort to attract more readers, I put out a call to other bloggers to do some guest posts on my blog. Alas, I don't seem to have enough readers to actually get anyone to Guest Post. One friend has offered to do one when her work schedule slows down a bit, look for it, it will be good.

But for today, I guess I will have to post for myself. And of course, I have no idea what to write about.

Later today I am going to be getting Wireless Satelitte Internet services. I have been dealing with dial-up here in this little one horse town since I moved here 5 years ago. I have finally had enough. I often can't even open up my email program because the smallest of files will jam it up. I haven't been able to download anything in 5 years because I don't have the time committment of hours to wait for it. This has been especially difficult since I moved here from a city and had cable satellite there. I am looking forward to the new faster internet.

Of course, that will mean that the kids will be on it all the time too. Downloading music and games and other things. Oh joy. The other advantage or maybe a disadvantage is that my phone line will not be tied up by the internet. Right now I have a call director and can choose to ignore any calls that I don't want to interupt my internet time. Now, I will just have to listen to the phone ringing in order to ignore it. At least when I phone home from work, the kids will have no excuse not to answer the phone.

I will post tomorrow and let you all know how much I am loving it!

Nothing like a good crap to clear your mind.....

That was something an old doctor here used to say once in a while. Boy, was he right. It is amazing to me how when older people get kinda "backed up" how strangely their mind begins to work.

I took this picture in the cookie aisle in my supermarket last night.....



I shit you not.........

What marketing genius thought this up???????

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

1. Eat plenty of fibre and drink plenty of fluid to maintain colorectal health.
2. Get screened for colorectal cancer.
3. Buy yourself some Bowel Buddies.

Stupid MOM!!!!!

Lately, this is the title I have acquired from my three year old son. Charming isn't it. I am not exactly sure where he came up with it, even if for the most part, it is quite fitting. I am assuming he has learned it from his older siblings calling each other stupid.

I do not like the name calling and put downs that I hear from my kids mouths for each other. I am constantly reprimanding them for it. But it seems, it is all to no avail. What is a stupid mom to do???

I remember a story about my older sister, when she was quite young. My parents rented a home from a man and that man was a friendly acquaintance of theirs as well. As the story goes, this man was teasing my sister about something. She called him stupid. Upon hearing this, my mother told her to go and apologize to Harry. She begrudgingly went to apologize. She found Harry, and said to him, "Harry, I am sorry you are stupid"

Out of the mouths of babes...........

Lest We Forget

My father was a veteran from World War II. He was stationed in London, England for four years. He said he was one of the lucky ones, since he enlisted, he was given a good position, and didn't have to fight in the front lines. He worked in the Sargent's Mess and took care of the officers. He didn't see a lot of fighting, but there were the air raids that plagued London. He didn't like to talk too much about the war, or his part in it. I believe it haunted him to some extent. As a young girl I remember hearing him talk in his sleep, or more so scream. When he would be awoken, he would say he was dreaming of the air raids and the bombs in London. I could never imagine my father holding a gun, let alone pointing one at another human being. I was happy to know that was not his role in the war.

My father was a lot older than my mother, and was almost 60 when I was born. I loved him dearly. He retired before I even started school, so I grew up with a stay-at-home dad and a working mom. Pretty forward thinking for the 70's. My dad would get me up for school and drive me there every day. Often would pick me up after school as well. My friends thought he was cool because he wore blue jeans and runners when their own much younger fathers would not. He was soft spoken and gentle. I was his little girl.

My father was not without faults. He suffered from depression. Something that was not readily diagnosed back then. He missed his family. All but one of his siblings had passed away young. His younger brother died the year I was born. He was a diabetic and had heart trouble. I do not believe my father ever got over that. My father medicated his depression with alcohol. This got progressively more pronounced after he retired. I remember him saying to me, when I was young, that he was of no use anymore. And I remember thinking how much I needed him. The alcohol was a difficult thing for me, as I got older. I would be embarrassed if my friends came over and he was drinking. I hated being embarrassed of my father...this man that I adored.

I had gone away to university for a few years, not really seeing much of my father. Then the year before I got married, I moved back home and worked with my mom in the nursing home. It was at this time when I realized that it was not just alcohol that was stealing my father away from me. He was in his eighties now, and he was starting to become forgettful. My mother and I both blamed it on the alcohol. Thinking he was just drinking more, or needing less to get drunk. We tried to work opposite shifts so that someone would always be there with him to watch out for him. It wasn't until a couple of years later that we would come to know that he was being taken away from us by Alzheimers.

It started to show at my wedding. He was confused by all the people, he seemed to think that he was the best man, not the father of the bride. I again was embarrassed of this man. Afraid he would make a fool of me on my wedding day. I remember even specifically asking the DJ not to make a big deal out of a special dance for him and I. I look back on that now, and I am so glad they didn't listen. He really did well and held it together the best he could for me.

My father was always a very quiet man. He never raised his voice to me. He never raised a hand to me. The worst punishment he could give me was to tell me I had disappointed him. I always wanted to do well and please him. From the time I was very young, he talked of me being a nurse. I shared that dream......I am not sure if it was shared with him or shared for him. But I pursued the career nonetheless. I did not do very well in my first years of study, and I always felt I was letting him down. By the time I actually realized this goal and graduated from nursing school, Alzheimers had taken over....I am not sure that he ever knew that I had accomplished this dream he had for me. I like to think now that he does know.

My father passed away on May 29th, 2002. At the age of 95. He had been in a nursing home for a few years, and bedridden the last bit of that. I had moved away from the city he lived in the year prior to that, and rarely saw him. Even being a nurse, I found it very difficult to spend much time with him. I missed the intelligent, gentle man I had known growing up, and seeing him as less than that was very painful. The day he passed, I had gotten to see him though, and I kissed him and told him I loved him. I believe that in Heaven, his thoughts are clear, and he knows how much I loved him, and how proud I truly was of him. I miss him.

In remembrance of Dad, on Remembrance Day

I can't hear you!!!!!!

Today is day one of an extra long weekend........for the kids. Tomorrow is Remembrance Day, so they get today off school, and I am not even sure why they get Monday off, but they do. Of course this lands on my weekend to work my three nights. I am not sure how I am going to get any sleep whatsoever. Especially with no door on my bedroom, and four kids who don't seem to know how to communicate with each other without yelling.

The door came off my bedroom two weeks ago. I was at work on a Saturday and came home to find my bedroom door in the hallway. Now, we are in the midst of renovations, so a door not being on a bedroom is pretty common around here. Except, for the one and only time in the history of my children, no one is talking. Usually these little heathens will sell each other out in a heartbeat. Never have they banded together on anything.....until now. It actually makes me laugh. Until I have to sleep during the day and the heathens are all in my house.

Today I have assigned several chores. None of which seem to be getting done at any pace. I do hear a lot of bickering and sniping........I suppose they get it from their rather sarcastic and cynical mother. I just want it to stop. I am tired, oh so tired of hearing, "MOM!!" and then the litany of complaints each has about how the other one isn't doing their job. UGH!! I have finally started just saying, "I can't hear you" "I'm not listening to you" "When your job is done, you can complain about someone else" Although, like everything else this mommy does, I am certain that, "I can't hear you" will come back to bite me in the ass...........

Guest Post Thursday

Your post could appear here, just click here Focused Insanity to send me your post & blog address,

Plight of the Drama Queen, Part Deux

To give you some background on the reason this happened. My house is in renovation hell. The only room that is NOT ripped apart is my bedroom. So this means that my daughter's/son's room is uninhabitable at the moment. And since my spouse and I separated three weeks ago (not due to the renovations, but a very good theory), the two youngest children have been sleeping with me in my bed. Very tricky with one child who has a cast....I should be getting danger pay for this.

Skip to last night. The doctor had advised me to give the girl Ibuprofen to help get the swelling in her wrist down so that we can get the permanent cast on her arm tomorrow. So, I had given her a couple doses with no problems. Last night about 10:30 I gave her a third dose. About 3:AM I woke up to the bed shaking...I hear her scratching wildly. I told her to stop it, she was shaking the bed and would end up waking Tuc. She said she was just so itchy. I, of course, being the wonderful mother and nurse that I am (see post below), told her to suck it up and stop scratching. I was under the impression that she was trying to scratch under her cast. A few minutes later, after multiple rounds of, "shake shake shake, STOP SCRATCHING, I can't help it" she says to me, "Mom, is there anything I can do for my lip?" In my half asleep, rather annoyed state, it took a minute for that to sink in. I flip on the lamp to see my poor beautiful daughter covered in one huge hive, and with a bottom lip so fat it had its own weather system. "OH GOD!!!" I go to the medicine cabinet and get her a Benadryl. She is going completely nuts with the itching. About an hour and half later, it isn't any better. I call our local HealthLink where a nurse will answer your questions...all I wanted to know was if I could give her more Benadryl. The nurse said she could not give medication advice and gave me a number to a 24hour pharmacist hotline. There I was told that I had given her the maximum and could not repeat it for 2 more hours. So, I drag her little hive covered butt to the ER. Of course, by the time we get there, the Benadryl is starting to work some, and she is not scratching anymore. Her lip is still swollen but not as bad. The nurse calls the doctor, the doctor says, "She can repeat the Benadryl" ARGH!!! But then decides that maybe some prednisone and Atarax are a better treatment choice. So back home we come......Ky is still sleeping from the Atarax.

Plight of the Drama Queen, Daughter of a Nurse

My daughter, the drama queen.

If any of you have a daughter between the ages of... well, if you have a daughter, you have a drama queen. They tend to blow everything out of proportion. My daughter, who will be eight soon, is no exception. Add that to the fact that she has two older brothers and a baby brother, and you have a Diva Drama Queen. So, when she came home from school on Thursday and said she hurt her arm, I didn't pay much attention. She wasn't crying from the pain, they hadn't called me from the school to say she had hurt herself. When I examined the arm it didn't even look swollen. I was on my way to work a night shift as well, so perhaps I wasn't as observant or sympathetic as I could have been.

Skip ahead to Saturday when I was trying to sleep after my night shift, with the kids running up and down the hallway and no door on my bedroom (another long story I will tell you about later). I was NOT in a good mood. I was very very tired and they were NOT letting me sleep. So when she told me that she hurt her arm again on Friday and that it was hurting even more, I really didn't pay much attention. I did examine it again, but still, no obvious deformity or major swelling, so I passed it off again.

Skip ahead to Sunday evening. We are out to dinner, Ky is favouring that arm, but of course, I am thinking that the Diva Drama Queen is just looking for attention. Everytime you go near her, she is cringing and whining. I look at the arm, okay, the wrist is a little swollen, but nothing terrible. Then, Sunday night, she is complaining of a headache and pain in the wrist. I give her some Tylenol....at 2:AM, she is still awake, says the wrist is hurting too much to sleep, but that the Tylenol took the headache away. So, okay, I will take her in to the doctor in the morning.

Monday morning. I have to go for fasting bloodwork at the hospital, so I take her to the outpatient department, knowing full well they will have to do x-rays anyway, so what is the point of going to the clinic. I work in this small rural hospital so I know all the people there. The doctor looks at her arm, says he thinks she has a greenstick fracture and sends her for x-ray. Sure enough, her right ulna has a small greenstick fracture. We put the cast on, just a temporary one, since today, the darn thing is quite swollen. We go back Thursday for a regular cast.

Boy does this mom & nurse feel like an idiot. I will definitely be sucking up to the Diva Drama Queen today!

Of Basset Hounds and Sour Cherry Blasters

I have entered my dog Angus, and my cat Ginger into the online worlds of Dogster.com and Catster.com. If you do not know about these communities, they are for crazy animal lovers who think of their pets as just furry humans who reside in their homes. I am one of these people. The following post is reprinted here from Angus' online Diary on Dogster.com. If you are interested in reading more posts from Angus in the future, bookmark or blogroll his page Dog Profile for Angus

Do Your Ears Hang Low?

Of Bassett Hounds and Sour Cherry Blasters
November 4th 2006 8:21 pm

Well with Halloween just past, I have to tell you, I have eaten some of the strangest, most unhealthy things for a dog to eat. Thankfully my humans understand that chocolate is not a good treat for a dog. Even my youngest human, Tucker, who is three, knows not to give me chocolate. But, he does not know enough not to give me Sour Cherry Blasters. For any of you who have never tasted one of these treats, let me tell you what it is like.

For humans, Sour Cherry Blasters give you a rush of sour flavour that makes your mouth water and then you get the sweet cherry flavour afterwards. For Basset Hounds, who notoriously drool anyway, the effects are embarassing. Tucker gave me this little treat, smaller than a dime actually, and I couldn't believe what happened! At first it was just a little drool, from the sour. I chewed it up quickly, but the sour must have stayed in my mouth or something, because within seconds, my mouth was running drool like a fountain. It was dripping from droopy lips like a leaky faucet. To make matters worse, my humans were all standing there watching and laughing. The drool was hitting the floor and soaking the rug where I was standing. No one offered me a drink or anything. Finally the main human who takes care of me stopped laughing long enough to wipe my lips and give me a big snuggle, saying, "Oh you poor puppy".

Of course, when Tucker offered me another one a little while later, I didn't refuse.

Guest Post Thursday

Hi everyone,
This post is basically an email a real life friend wrote to me. I found it cute and quirky, and even though she doesn't have her own blog, I asked her if I could post it as my first Guest Post. She agreed. So here it is.

"We had an uneventful Halloween. We carved our pumpkin too early and kept it on the island in the kitchen cuz it was so cool, but just in case you didn't know, carved pumpkins don't store so good for too long in the warmth of a kitchen ... I shoulda put it out on the landing like last year where it was cold - cuz that baby rotted and melted and started to stink like something unbelievable (reminds me of the decline of my first marriage) ... so, I turfed it (reminds me of my first husband) and bought one of those plastic, fantastically carved plug-in pumpkins from WalMart - trouble-free, hassle-free, non-messy, economical and I can just shove it in the closet until I need it next year (reminds me of the husband I'm looking for now). Ahhh, the joys of Halloween ... C1 went to a haunted house party, and C2 didn't want to dress up and go out ... not until 7:45 last night, anyway ... so there I was, in my pyjamas already!, getting dressed and bundling up the li'l Spiderman to take him out for a bit. He won't eat candy, so I was really going out for myself (who am I kidding) and using his cuteness as bait, but we ended up coming home with a HUGE assortment of goodies ... way too much ... but, I think somehow I'll get through it ... one kitkat at a time."
from T

The Halloween Hangover

There's frost on the jack'o'lanterns. The kids are in school but mostly in a sugar coma. I have had nothing to eat today besides coffee and chocolate. Oh, I lied. I have had fruit. Fruit flavoured Tootsie Rolls that is. Just when did they start making fruit flavoured tootsie rolls anyway? I remember as a kid, my dad would bring me tootsie rolls when he came home from work. I remember them tasting like........well.......like chocolate. The chocolate ones today do not really taste much like chocolate. But I never saw a fruit flavoured one in my life, until a couple years ago when my kids brought some home in their halloween candy. I have been hooked ever since. The only thing I don't get is the assortment of flavours in them. So far I have had lime, orange, lemon, cherry and vanilla? wtf? I didn't know vanilla was a fruit flavour, but I digress. I don't honestly understand why you would have lime and lemon........to my completely uneducated palate, they taste pretty much the same. Personally, I would prefer a banana flavoured one in place of the lemon. Kind of like the banana flavoured MoJo that I used to be able to buy at the candy store as a kid. They were sold two for a penny. There were a few flavours of those, spearmint being one, but the banana flavoured ones were my favourite. I would pick through the box at the store just to get the banana ones. I wonder if they even still make MoJos?

As you can plainly see by they picture to the left, I make a very beguiling witch. My daughter (pictured above) and I decided to go as Mother/Daughter Glamour witches. We looked fabulous, darling! And everyone said so. But of course my daughter had to tell everyone that the makeup came right out of my regular makeup bag!! Except the eyelashes of course. I can't however explain how eyeliner, when lining your eyes, can smudge and smear all over your face, but when drawn in scrolls on your cheeks can barely be removed without a sandblaster.

Now, back to the coffee and chocolate...........

And now for a change in our regular programming.....

I recently changed the name of my blog. I found that Rissy had way more Rants than Raves or Recitations, so, I decided to go with something a little more fitting.

My life is full of insanity. My kids drive me insane, the recent change in my family dynamic (IE: the man that lived here, fathered my youngest child and lately drove me most insane, has moved out), my job completely drives me insane what with the shift work, long hours, short staffing, etc. My house renovations which have been happening since June, but really didn't start until August and are no where even close to being complete, has driven me completely mad. Things in the news, those are completely indescribable as to what kind of crazy thoughts they bring to mind. Add all this to the day to day dealings with people that are truly too stupid to live, it is a wonder I am not in rubber room sitting in the corner playing with my toes.

But, in the midst of all of that, I come here. This is where I focus my crazy.....my Focused Insanity. I can write my little rants, talk about things that make me a little nuts.....and somehow, I can leave that insanity here and go back to my life just a little more sane.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

There has been a lot of talk about stem cell research lately thanks to Michael J Fox. I do not profess to be at all knowledgeable about what embryonic stem cells are supposed to do. All I know is what I have read and what I have heard. Frankly, it is all a bit confusing.

There are arguments for both sides. Both sides have celebrity supporters. Both sides think that only they are right and seemingly refuse to hear the other side. There seems to be no way of compromising and finding a common ground that will suit the majority of people, but of course, there is never compromise in politics. I have tried to do a little impromptu research on the subject, only to find that most of what is being said is basically discounting the other sides point of view. I can only comment here on what I am "hearing" in all of the reports.

What I am hearing is that the American government, ie. President Bush, is against using embryos that have been discarded by their owners for research and possible cures for debilitating illnesses such as Parkinsons Disease and Alzheimers, both of which rob the victim of meaningful quality of life, because an embryo is a potential life. As far as I can tell, these embryos really have no hope in hell of ever becoming a life because either they are the products of conception that have been aborted by a woman who did NOT want this life to be realized, or, they are frozen embryos that have been abandoned and have no hope of ever finding a womb to grow in. I also see in the news that President Bush has no problem letting actual lives be snuffed out by war. Now maybe I am crazy, but I am thinking that the families of the soldiers and the civilians who have died as a result of this war are mourning their loved ones, where I doubt very much that anyone is mourning over the embryos or the aborted fetuses that could possibly give hope to many other actual lives.

I have always considered myself a pro-life supporter. Though, having faced a dilemma several years ago, I chose to end a pregnancy early when there was no hope for a viable life. I even had the blessing of the Roman Catholic church that I attended. Had it been an option for me, I would have gladly signed his body over for research. I do not believe that it would be appropriate to pay women for their aborted fetuses or their discarded frozen embryos, but I do feel that if one were to choose to donate them for the purpose of embryonic stem cell research, it should be an option. I also realize that another facet of this argument is about the financial support for the research from the government. Now, all I can really say about that is that we all know about government waste in so many things. Not to mention the amount of money being spent in Iraq for the purpose of killing ACTUAL lives, lives that will be mourned and missed by someone. Or the amount of dollars spent on health care caring for the individuals with the debilitating diseases that we spoke of earlier. If these fetuses and embryos can be used for something good, they should be, rather than just being incinerated.

I believe in God, I believe God creates all. He created us a free thinkers and of free will. I believe that he intends us to use our intelligence and resources to solve problems. I feel that those that condemn the very things God has created in the name of God himself are hypocrites.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

I have become the mother of a teenager with a Learner's Permit to drive.

It took him eight tries at the test to pass. That did NOT instill a lot of faith in me on his ability behind the wheel of the van. But, behind the wheel of the van he ended up. Driving home from taking the test. That is probably a young man's third or fourth most exciting moment.....I won't discuss the others here, this is a family forum.

He gets in, tells me to do up my seat belt. I do. I am trying not to be nervous....... I want to be "cool" mom who doesn't get all worked up. Not like my own mother who was so nervous driving with me when I was learning, that when I got too close to a car in a parking lot, she smacked my leg, my foot came off the brake and I hit the car. Then she called the police to report the accident.

He does okay......We get home in one piece. He steps on the brakes a little too quickly..... Forgets to shoulder check every time .... Thank goodness we live in such a small town. It was funny, since as we are driving, people I know are waving and pointing......... They know this must be the first time he is driving.

Today, he wants to drive on the highway. Apparently, he wants his mother to die of heart failure as well. He starts out fine. Is hesitant to get up to the speed limit. I tell him he should speed up a bit, as the horse and buggy behind us are preparing to pass. He gets a little braver, get up to speed, but every time we meet a car, I am getting way too good a glimpse of the ditch. I calmly tell him that he does not have to pull over and slow down every time a car meets us. He says he is nervous he is too close to the center line. I tell him I am nervous we are so close to the grass and trees. I teach him how to "keep it between the lines". He is a good student, he listens and applies my advice well. We get to the small city, he even manages to navigate that well.

It is time to drive home. It is now dark. I want so badly to have him say, "Mom, maybe I am not ready to drive on the highway in the dark" No such luck. He now seems to think he is Kyle Petty (I couldn't spell Mario's last name). I don't particularly like driving at night..... My 40yr old eyes do not always work the way I want them to. I didn't want to dash his confidence either, so, I sucked it up. Buckled in the younger children.......Hugged them tight, kissed them and told them I loved them dearly. And off we went. But, before we could hit the highway, I needed a Timmy's Coffee. I tell him...."You will have to drive through the drive-through and do the ordering"........."COOL!! I love this driving thing"....... I guess they have to learn every aspect of driving, right?

We get on the highway..........I remind him of the brights and when and how to dim the headlights. I give him the hint about, "don't look at the oncoming headlights, focus on the white line in the shoulder" I remind him that there are deer and moose around and that it is fall so those poor things are a little restless what with all the men in orange jumpsuits shooting at them. I am nervous as hell, but I am still maintaining "cool mom" status, not getting too aggressive. I feel it is going pretty well. Then he asks me, "Mom, what are you doing?" Um.... just a reflex thing honey......I am trying to push the van back between the lines with my hand on the window frame. He laughs, and asks, "Did you notice it is broken?" Yeah, well, the van is old and things break....."You don't think it was from people riding with you doing the exact same thing?"

If he thinks I am going to buy him a car when he gets an actual license, he is sadly mistaken.

A Farewell to Blogs

Apparently I cannot commit to anything.

I have many half finished crochet, knitting, cross-stitch, etc projects in my home that I am sure I will never complete. My house is in the middle of renovation hell and I am not at all sure it will ever be done. Even two marriages have gone uncompleted (as in "till death do us part")....though, if either one of those men don't stop pissing me off, the death part may come to one of them prematurely.

And so, sits this blog......forgotten and abandoned.

It isn't that I don't enjoy writing and publishing these twisted little glimpses of life .... it is just that I fear I am suffering from some strange form of attention deficit that makes it virtually impossible to complete anything that I start.

My goal was to publish an article here once a week. Thank God I don't work for a newspaper and don't expect to get paid for writing. If I did, I would be living in a half decorated refridgerator box.

So I publish this "Farewell to Blogs"........ not that I am giving it up....... just that I am giving up the notion that I will publish it with any continuity or that I will ever accumulate the loyal readers who will wait with breath held for the next installment. I mean, if I ever did have such a following, they have all died of asphyxia waiting for this since February.

A Tale of Two Hamsters

Now, before anyone jumps all over me, I know that hamsters do not have tails.

This past summer, my middle son, almost 10 years old, got a pair of female hamsters from his dad. They are dwarf hamsters and very cute. They were named Smokey and Tiny. One being grey and one being smaller and tan. To start off, Tiny started to grow.....and since she wasn't smaller than Smokey anymore, we changed her name to Snoopy......because of her habit of poking her nose out of her shavings to see you whenever you approached the cage. She is very cute that way.

On to the story about Smokey. Smokey got sick with something called Wettail. It is a disease of hamsters where they get diarrhea and hence, their tail stub gets a wet look to it. This is treatable with a medicine aptly called Dritail...........original. While you are treating a sick hamster, it should not be in the same cage as a well hamster.......so we had to quarantine her. Since I only had one cage, we made a makeshift infirmary out of an ice cream pail with holes in the lid. This was good for a day or so. Did I mention that hamsters chew?? Anyway, I noticed that Smokey was trying to get to the holes of the infirmary, but not being all that bright, I figured that everything would be fine. Early in the morning I was rudely awoken by the sound of my cat playing by my bed. I hate when he does this as it usually means he wants to go out. So, I turn on the light and pick up my housecoat................................AAAAAAACK!! There is only half of Smokey laying there. Apparently she chewed her way out of her ice cream pail. Disgusted I pick up the remains and scenes from movies run through my head........The Godfather and the scene with the horse's head in the bed............Stuart Little, "We don't eat family members". And then, I can't get back to sleep.......I am wondering what I am going to tell my poor son about his pet. I was actually suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. When it was time to get the kids up for school, I gently woke my son. In my very caring nurse voice, I tell him...."I have bad news"......"What is it?" he askes. "Smokey died".........."Can I see her?"........ummmmmmmmm "No, son, that isn't a good idea"......."How do you know she is really dead? Maybe she is just sleeping".........ummmmmmmm ummmmmmmmm, "No, she got out of the cage"......"Maybe she is still running around the house".....ummmm ummm ummmmmmm , "Honey, Ginger found her"..........blank stares........then, the lightbulb comes on over his head. "OHHHH, he ate her?" "Well, only half of her"..........."COOL!" .........I will never understand boys. But, of course, being the big old softy that I am, I can't leave it at that. I promise that we will get another hamster to replace her.

On to hamster tale number two.

We buy Whiskers........a little grey hamster that looks an awful lot like Smokey. And since we weren't going to be home for a couple days, I purchase a whole new hamster kit including a cage. I figure, if we end up with another sick hamster, I wanted a proper hospital for her. We bring her home. Decide to try to put her in with Snoopy. Well, Snoopy had decided she didn't really like having a roommate, and promptly attacked poor Whiskers.........but we got her out and all was well. Now, I have twice the cages to clean and such. This was fine for a few months......then, one day Whiskers was acting strange, not running on her wheel, not eating her food........hiding under the shavings all the time. One morning I came home from working the night shift. I go over to the cages, like I always do, greet the furry little critters to see them poke their noses out of the shavings..........."Good Morning, Snoopy!" Out pops a little tan coloured nose to say hello.........."Good Morning, Whiskers!"............I look in the cage, and there is Whiskers, lying with her four little feet sticking up in the air. UGH, here we go again. As gently as I can, "Son, I have some bad news".........."Oh, what?"......."Whiskers died"........."Did she get out of the cage?"........."No, son, she died peacefully in her cage, not running scared from the cat"......."Oh, can I see her?"..........."Sure, I left her right there for now"..........he goes over, looks at the cage, says nothing..............I ask him, "Do you want to find a little box so we can bury her in the back yard?"..........."No......she's just a hamster, Mom."..................boys..................

It's a Dog's Life

Well, we have become a family complete with a dog.

Angus, aka Gus, aka Dumbass, joined our family in October. He was a gift from my ex-husband to my children. When he came to us, he was about 8 months old and very much still a puppy. This dog chewed up more toys, shoes, books than you can imagine. But look at him.......He is just so cute, how can you get mad at him?

My ex-husband got him as a puppy........Fell in love with him at first sight in a pet store. They named him Bryan. I couldn't bring myself to call the poor puppy that, so we changed his name. It did take some convincing with the kids, as they had only known him as Bryan, but my strong will won over. When I informed the ex-husband I was changing the puppy's name, there were some words of disapproval from the new wife. She very vocally commented that it took the dog 6 months to learn the name Bryan, he would never learn a new name. Funny, within a week he was responding favorably to being called Angus and Gus. I am sure that he knew his name was Bryan, he just didn't like it........Go figure. I have never totally established why he chose to give him up to us.......But I do have some theories. Regardless, he is ours, and I am totally in love with him.

If you can't tell from his picture, Angus is a Bassett Hound. Apparently Bassetts are notoriously hard to train. I believe it. We had a few weeks of "poop" accidents when he first came to us. Lucky for him, those are no longer happening. The other thing Bassetts do is bury things. I have found many Milk Bones in my laundry baskets. I am pretty sure he forgets where he puts them. Also, his short stature makes him just the perfect height to steal food from the toddler. Nothing cuter than hearing the 2 yr old yell, "Angus, stop it!" or more heartbreaking than hearing him crying because "puppy ate it". We have learned to put the dog in the kennel when the toddler is trying to eat.

The dog has been great for entertainment for all of us..........Well......except the cat. The cat is not completely impressed with the addition of the puppy. You see, the cat is older, much more sophisticated than the dog. He is a proud cat..........But it is hard to be proud when a large puppy is trying to get you to play, is licking your head or trying to mount you from behind. No, the cat is NOT impressed. The dog is always happy to see the cat......Whenever the cat enters the room, the dog gets all happy and excited......"Look!, the cat!! My favourite!!" He rushes to the cats side, licks him, follows him.......Very reminiscent of the Bugs Bunny cartoon with the big bull dog and the little terrier. The cat is usually just trying to get away.

I am sure that this relationship will bring about many more posts in the future.