Reflections......

Here I am sitting at my laptop at 1:30am not able to sleep anymore. No, it is not insomnia, it is night shift hangover. For whatever reason yesterday, I was not feeling well when I got home and I went to sleep about 11am. I slept straight through until now, with only minimal wakings by the kids for this or that. I have no idea why...except that my body just finally gave in to sheer exhaustion. Maybe it is stress induced, or just sleep deprivation, or whatever. All I know is that my sleep pattern is destroyed and I have to work days this weekend.

I was reading the previous post here, about Tucker's fifth birthday, and looking at the amazing photo I had taken of him over last summer. He is about to graduate from kindergarten soon. I can't believe how quickly time is slipping by.

It seems in life we are always waiting for what is coming....never truly living for the moment. When we are young, we want to be older. When we are single, we want to be married. When we are pregnant, we can't wait for the baby to come. When we have the baby, we are just waiting for the day when they are more independent. Always looking forward rather than enjoying the moment we have at hand.

Until the time comes that we realize that most of our life is behind us....then we begin to long to have those days back again.

I have recently been faced with some of this. In looking at Tucker and realizing I will never again hold a baby of my own, nursing them, giving them something only I can give them. I miss so much the smell of my own newborn's soft spot. The feeling of knowing this being relies on you completely for their survival. So much of the time my children were babies, I was so consumed by other things, that I don't remember just sitting and enjoying them the way I should have. There was so much stress, turmoil, fear, depression....way too much time focusing on my own issues and not just loving those incredible moments that flee way too quickly.

Thinking there will always be time later....and not at all stopping to think that NOW will never come again. I try not to live in regret now, but try to make the best of every moment I have....but even the realization of how delicate and fragile time is, does not always make me stop savour the moment.

For some time now, I have started a habit that may seem a little strange to some of my family. Instead of just letting it be implied, whenever we part, either on the phone or in person, I tell them I love them. At first this was not easy, as it was not something that was said a lot....because, well, there would always be time later, right? After losing my dad, my aunt, uncle, etc.....I realized....there is never the certainty that there will be time later. So now, my mom, my sisters, my kids, my Jacques....they hear it every time we talk....I love you. Three easy words to say.... but ones that if not said, can make one live in regret.

Take time today to enjoy the moment that is....whatever it is....find a reason to just stop and remember today....and tell the people in your life just what they mean to you....and don't ever let it just be implied.

Five Years Old Today

This is the first time in my motherhood where I have had a child turn five and not have a younger child as well. My baby turns five today.

He has grown into this amazingly funny, sweet, loving, little man. He is in Kindergarten and has a new story every day about a girlfriend, a new friend, someone who doesn't want to be friends....and even once in a while something about something he has learned.

Five years ago, when he was born....it was a day of great concern. It started out with me being in early labour for 12 hours, with no progress at all. I stayed at home through it, only going in after 12 hours to make sure everything was okay. The doctor was a little concerned and ended up sending me up to the major city to be evaluated. I was in the back of an ambulance in labour for 1 1/2 hours. Once they did the ultrasound in the city, it was determined he was transverse (sideways) and there was no way he was coming out the old fashioned way....so, off for a c-section we went. After 24 hours of labour, he was born. 8lbs 15 1/2 oz. There had been some stress on him and they thought maybe he had inhaled some meconium (black tarry baby poop). He was having trouble breathing and he was taken away to the NICU. He had in fact popped a hole in his lung. I didn't end up getting to see him until the next day. He was on oxygen, they wouldn't let me nurse him....I was so scared. After 11 days in the NICU, they let us come home...he was still on oxygen at home for 6 weeks.

Now, as I look at him tormenting his sister, watching a football or hockey game with me, or just loving me up,...one would never know that his start in life was so rocky.

Happy Birthday Little Man Tucker!!!!!

Hockey Night in Canada with my Dad

One of the most comforting memories of being a kid was watching Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday night with my dad. I was too little to understand the game, and I didn't much care. I always had the seat of honour tucked in beside my dad in his recliner. Most nights I would fall asleep before the game would end. He would wake me up at the end of the game to send me to bed, and I would always ask, "Did Montreal win?" My father was born and raised in Montreal and it was always our favourite team. It still is for me, to the point where I have a son named Dryden.

Those Saturday nights were not so much about the hockey. They were about that warm and safe feeling I felt. Knowing I was in the presence of love. My dad and I had a very special bond. I can sit here now and remember the smell of his Old Spice.

My dad passed away on May 29th, 2002. He was 95 years old. I miss him every day.

I watch Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday nights. Now I understand the game and enjoy the game. I still cheer for Montreal. My kids cheer for Montreal too! I don't have a recliner to snuggle up with one of kids in, but the sound of the theme song sends me right back there.

Who am I kidding??? I am not a blogger......

I don't feel like a blogger anymore. I don't have the inspiration to write. There are times in the day when something crosses my mind and I think, "That would make a good blog topic" only to either forget or realize how ridiculous the idea in the first place.

I read the odd blog here and there....keeping up with my faves such as, Oh, The Joys, The Estrogen Files, Cheaper Than Therapy, Kevin Charnas, Crunchy Carpets, Melanie in Orygun, Plain Jane Mom, and Sangria Lover.

I have written the odd post over at my alter-ego, Imperfect Perfections, but those can end up being on the depressing side.

I am looking for something creative. I have this itch, this need, to be creative. I want to write. I have written a few blog entries that have been not too bad, but I can't seem to keep those creative juices flowing. I am taking a course in photography because I love creating beautiful photos and I want to transition from nursing to photography someday. I cook. I cook a lot. Jacques and I cooked together and considered buying a small bistro here, then he had to go back to Chicago when his visa ran out. I don't like the cooking so much by myself.

I need some suggestions, some ideas, something.....ANYTHING.....to help me be inspired again to write.

I know I don't have a ton of readers, but I am going to ask you, the ones who may read this, to help me. I want you to ask me questions... give me a topic... show me a picture.... anything to help me start writing again.

Will Ferrell

Can anyone out there tell me why the movie studios are still letting this guy make movies??????

I mean really.....his movies are not in the least bit funny. Okay, so Elf was not too bad...but everything since that is complete rubbish. Is it just me? Have I watched too many movies that actually make me think or evoke emotions and feelings other than pure nausea??

I just do not see the appeal........not at all....

A Little Discussion on Etiquette

Am I the only person left under the age of 75 who finds the wearing of hats indoors, by anyone, just rude????

I know we live in a society of live and let live......but.......when I see a man or woman, boy or girl.....whoever it may be......wearing a hat (especially a ball cap, trucker cap, farmer cap, etc) indoors, it instantly makes me question their intelligence and upbringing.

Just last night I had ordered take out from one of the nicest restaurants in the small city close to where I live. I was sitting there waiting to pick it up and I looked around and saw ball caps on heads everywhere!!!

Where are the days when men knew enough to take the hat off as you go through the door and hang it on the coat rack? Is it really that difficult? Are you afraid some stranger is going to steal your hat and risk getting head lice?? Are you worried someone will see your hat hair?? (which wouldn't happen if you didn't wear the ugly thing in the first place) Hat hair can be remedied by this neat little invention called a COMB!!!! They are small, portable and fit right in your pocket...amazing! Are you concerned that the cute waitress might notice that you are going bald??? Here's a little tip for you........SHE ALREADY KNOWS!!!!! She figured it out when you refuse to take off your hat.....and they also know that the constant wearing of the hat actually irritates the scalp causing you to lose even MORE HAIR!!!

For the love of all things good....please take off the hat!!!

The Lesson

Lessons are everywhere. Not always pleasant, not always desired, not always profound...but as long as they are learned, they are always positive.

I have been learning lessons all my life. Admittedly, I have not always WANTED to learn the lesson.....and most definitely have not always ADMITTED to having learned the lesson. In fact, in my very stubborn French/Scots kind of way I will tend to argue a point that I am NOT learning a lesson from a specific interaction, just because.......well.......because I am a stubborn French/Scotsman.

For any of you out there that may have been involved in one of those stubborn French/Scots conversations with me, rest assured....on much introspection and soul searching.....and a self humbling brought upon by a serious feeling of fear and loss..... I have learned the lesson.

Things I do believe:

there is only one soul mate, and when you find it, you must hold on to it, and stop being a stubborn French/Scotsman

two stubborn Frenchmen together can create a lot of loud fireworks.....(take from that whatever you wish)

I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go

love is the single most important thing to have in life. And the person you love is the single most important person in your life. The opinions, feelings, emotions, reactions...everything....of the person you love need to be acknowledged and validated....always. I am striving to be the person who does that....and in turn, I need to learn to expect that in my own life.

every story, argument, situation has at least two points of view....to love someone is to be able to see those things from the other person's point of view, and acknowledge and validate that.....even if it differs from your own....

unconditional love is hard to get, and even harder to give......but is of utmost importance to strive for

mistakes, while they can prove to be devastating, painful, uncomfortable and damaging...are a necessary part of life.... we learn lessons from mistakes.... and sadly, until we actually learn that lesson, we will keep making that mistake. Mistakes are not usually the end of the world, even if they feel that way at the time.

All Things Bright & Beautiful

Life is looking better. I am no longer a puddle of emotions every time I turn around. Now don't get me wrong, I still miss Jacques to death and pray every day that he will come home to me sooner rather than later......but, I don't wallow in it. And Tracy, you were right.......I didn't die....I am here.....to annoy the hell out of you for a good long time yet.

Funny how time has a way of adding perspective to all things.

Can you die from a broken heart??

There are people that say you can.

Jacques was here for six months. There were ups and downs. All relationships have ups and downs. For the most part, we were happy. We enjoy each others company. He is my best friend.

But now he is gone. He had to go back to take care of some things. We don't know when he can come back. And even though we are still together, my heart is broken. My arms ache to hold him. My lips ache to kiss him. I miss his being here every day. I miss his cooking (he is amazing). I miss his laughter, so enthusiastic and robust. I miss him. I just miss him so damn much.

Moses

Charlton Heston is gone.

Now while I am not a big fan, I do know some of his movies, Planet of the Apes, Soylent Green, Ben Hur....and the original I Am Legend, though I can't remember the name of it, and having watched only a small part of it the other day, I can tell you, it was BAAAAAAAAD!!!

The most memorable of the Charlton Heston movies had to be The Ten Commandments. I used to watch this movie when I was young, and was in awe of the special effects. Now you watch it and think of how much better it could be done today. In fact, that is exactly what Jacques and I were discussing this morning. How much better the special effects would be now. The parting of the Red Sea, the computer generated people following him, even the burning bush......but one question remained.... Who would they cast as Moses today???

We tossed around a couple names....... Anthony Hopkins ~ too creepy......Sean Connery ~ too old.....Brad Pitt ~ too Brad Pitt......The Guy from 300 whose name I do not know.......

We wondered if there was anyone who could do the role with the magnitude in which Mr. Heston did it.....with as much star appeal....or, did it need to be a big star?? Now we put the question to you, the readers.....who would you cast????

Long Time, No Blog

I am certain that the one reader who may have faithfully been reading me at one time, has given up on me. I have felt so very uninspired as of late.

Life here has been good. NewMan and I are settling into life together. There are a lot of bumps along the way, as there are with any relationship. Add in the fact that I have 4 kids, two of whom are teenagers, and the fact that he is so far away from his own children, you can only imagine the ups and downs we feel here daily.

My oldest son, who will be 17 this summer, decided about 6 weeks ago that he did not want to live with me anymore. It has been a very difficult transition for me, but one that really needed to be done. He has had a lot of anger issues in the past, and he has a definite issue with authority. He did not like my rules. I suppose they were unreasonable ones.

1. Get up and go to school every day
2. Come home on time
3. Clean up after your self
4. Do the chores assigned to you without having to be told a million times
5. No smoking, alcohol or drugs

I am a tyrant.

His father seems to think he can do a better job with him than I can. I hope he can, actually. I have had enough, frankly. I took the child to counselling on several occasions to help him deal with his issues about our divorce. I took him to anger management classes to help him avoid some serious trouble he may have gotten himself into. I tried to be a parent rather than a best friend. And all I got in return from him was that he hated me.

It has truly broken my heart and my spirit.

Parenting is Hard

I have never professed myself to be the perfect parent...hell, I have never even professed myself to be a good parent. At best, I am the accidental parent. Not to take away from the beautiful miracle of becoming a mother.... but when it happened to me, I hadn't exactly planned it. I love my children to the death, I would give my life for them (at times, I feel that I already have).

I was only married 5 short months, was in the middle of my first year of Nursing school, when I got pregnant with my first son. I remember being scared, annoyed, P.O.ed at myself. How did this happen to me? But happen it did. I am now the proud mother of a 6' tall, 220lb, blue eyed 16yr old boy with beautiful auburn hair, which he has recently cut into a mohawk. UGH! But, I pick my battles, right?

My other children also present their own challenges. My 12yr old boy struggles with depression, and ADD. My daughter struggles with CDS & OGS....Chronic Diva Syndrome and Only Girl Syndrome. She has somehow developed this attitude that she can do or say whatever she likes and should never have to pay a consequence.

The 4yr old....now he is really a piece of work. I know I have caused this problem with him. He is the baby. I have always catered to him. I have always felt such tremendous guilt about the kids having only one parent that I have over compensated. I have spoiled all my children, but the little one is the worst. And now, I am having to do damage control. I am having to retrain him to not always getting what he wants.

I am having to retrain all of my children. I have created a collective monster of unaappreciation that is wearing very very thin with myself and most others that have to deal with them. Teaching old dogs new tricks is never an easy task. And I am quickly realizing I am not a dog trainer.

Happy New Year!!

Wow, a whole new year. And I don't feel one bit different today.....

I didn't make any resolutions, since they really don't ever hold anyway. Maybe I should make some that I can actually keep, to keep the feeling of failure away...

I resolve in 2008 to:

Eat more chocolate
Yell at my kids more
Exercise less
Spend way more time on the computer
Watch more reality tv

Hmmmmmm........maybe I have something here

The Future Begins, November 21 2007...

I thought I'd come and make a post for Rissy as she has been neglecting her blog for a while now (Bad Rissy). In truth it is mostly my fault. I have been keeping her busy very busy in preparations for my arrival...my final arrival...on the 21st of this month. After a long battle, much bloodshed (ok not so much) and a 350 Dollar 1 way ticket (that isn't too pricey really) I am ready to go. We've been busying ourselves with plans and shipping. I've shipped quite a few things up there and my last box gets shipped out next friday (WOW!)
So much excitement of course doesn't come without sacrifice. This blog has suffered immensely at the hands of our planning and excitement and I know Rissy is sorry for that. I've suffered too trust me (:P) so much that Rissy actually admitted something to me the other day...the dreaded enemy of mankind... P...M...S...

Yes, she admitted it. After a day of general crankiness (we all have our cranky days right?) she admitted it. It was under some great duress, and most likely due to the fact that it would cause great chagrin amongst womankind. I have never understood why women have such a tough time admitting that. I mean, when I'm crabby I admit it. Hell when I'm crabby everyone knows about it, share and share alike I always say :D. I did some checking about PMS on Wikipedia and the sense is that it is a definate condition that has medicine to treat it. I mean, when something has medicine to treat it, it is a condition right...look at restless leg syndrom *rolls eyes*. I will never forget the first time I heard about "PMS" I was 17 at Uni, and someone I was going out with said "Man, I must be PMSing" and I said...before thinking of course..."So there is a Medical reason you are being a jerk right now"...

...
...

As you guessed it...didn't last much longer after that...lol

I love my blog, I really love my blog

But something seems to have hijacked it. It freezes up on me something terrible whenever I try to visit here (apparently it locks up other visitors as well). I don't know what is wrong with it, or what to do to fix it. If anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them!!!!!

Well, our weekend is over

It was wonderful, but oh too short. The kids loved it, and Tuc clung to him like crazy. I think the kids got more love time than I did, but that is okay too...I have a lifetime of lovin', right?

Tuc, who is usully so shy and wary of strangers, just loved up Jacques....he has been craving a positive male role model. It was just so cute how he had to copy everything Jacques did. Even wearing a robe around the house and tying it the same way.

I am so in love, and so happy the kids are too!

Is there anyone left out there to read this???

Hi all!

Sorry to have neglected my dear blog lately. With back to school and work and all that I have been up to this fall, something had to give, and unfortunately, it was this.

But now for some fun stuff.

NEWMAN IS COMING!!! He is coming to my home tomorrow for 3 days to celebrate the Canadian Thanksgiving with my kids and I. I know he won't be here for the official day on Monday, but really, there are very few Canadians that actually celebrate and hold the meal on the Monday anyway.

We have some tentative dates for his final arrival to live here as well, but I am not going to divulge those quite yet.

YAY!! Happy Thanksgiving to ME!!!

Genius or Psycholgical Disorder?

Tuc has been obsessed with the letter T since I first taught him "T for Tucker". In fact, that is what he calls it, "T for Tucker". He is learning other letters as well, but every time me sees a "T", he just yells out "T for Tucker!!" And with my recent compulsion to play Scrabulous on Facebook 24 hours a day, he tends to see a lot of T's.

I have been made painfully aware as of late of his obsession with numbers and number patterns as well. He sits with me in my room and watches my digital clock and announces with very intense glee when there is a "match" on the clock...meaning more than one of the same number. OMG when it is 5:55...you would think he just won the lottery!

None of this comes as a real shocker to me, I, myself have always had an obsession with number patterns. Phone numbers in particular. I make note of how the pattern of the numbers is punched on the key pad, anything with a particular pattern delights me to no end....like my one sister, whose phone number is 1254....I love that it makes a little "postage stamp" on the keypad. Number patterns fascinate me as well. I remember phone numbers from when I was a kid, just because they had an interesting pattern to them.

You would think I could balance a cheque book, wouldn't you?? Yeah--no....

and one more thing about numbers, my oldest son turns 16 today, Lord, Help ME!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IRIS!!!

I would like to wish my Princess a Happy Birthday. The world is a better place because of what happen 41 years ago today, OK maybe that's a little bit on the egotistical side...but I know my life is a better place because of it. Iris, you are a wonderful mother, sister, daughter, friend, best friend and love, to me and so many people. You touch so many people's lives with your care and love that we are all better for it. Happy Birthday, I love you.


Le Nouveau Homme

A little Garth Brooks anyone??

So last night I was watching the final performance show of America's Got Talent (I know, I know...lame, but the kids like it) and there is this ventriloquist who does impersonations of singers...he is actually very good. His usual gig is the Rat Pack, the old standards, and one night he even did Etta James. Last night for his first performance the judges got to choose his song. They chose Friends In Low Places by Garth Brooks. He did awesome. I sang along, being silly for my kids...and The Tuc Man singing too...."I got nice friends in nice places". Made me think of all of you!