Reflections......

Here I am sitting at my laptop at 1:30am not able to sleep anymore. No, it is not insomnia, it is night shift hangover. For whatever reason yesterday, I was not feeling well when I got home and I went to sleep about 11am. I slept straight through until now, with only minimal wakings by the kids for this or that. I have no idea why...except that my body just finally gave in to sheer exhaustion. Maybe it is stress induced, or just sleep deprivation, or whatever. All I know is that my sleep pattern is destroyed and I have to work days this weekend.

I was reading the previous post here, about Tucker's fifth birthday, and looking at the amazing photo I had taken of him over last summer. He is about to graduate from kindergarten soon. I can't believe how quickly time is slipping by.

It seems in life we are always waiting for what is coming....never truly living for the moment. When we are young, we want to be older. When we are single, we want to be married. When we are pregnant, we can't wait for the baby to come. When we have the baby, we are just waiting for the day when they are more independent. Always looking forward rather than enjoying the moment we have at hand.

Until the time comes that we realize that most of our life is behind us....then we begin to long to have those days back again.

I have recently been faced with some of this. In looking at Tucker and realizing I will never again hold a baby of my own, nursing them, giving them something only I can give them. I miss so much the smell of my own newborn's soft spot. The feeling of knowing this being relies on you completely for their survival. So much of the time my children were babies, I was so consumed by other things, that I don't remember just sitting and enjoying them the way I should have. There was so much stress, turmoil, fear, depression....way too much time focusing on my own issues and not just loving those incredible moments that flee way too quickly.

Thinking there will always be time later....and not at all stopping to think that NOW will never come again. I try not to live in regret now, but try to make the best of every moment I have....but even the realization of how delicate and fragile time is, does not always make me stop savour the moment.

For some time now, I have started a habit that may seem a little strange to some of my family. Instead of just letting it be implied, whenever we part, either on the phone or in person, I tell them I love them. At first this was not easy, as it was not something that was said a lot....because, well, there would always be time later, right? After losing my dad, my aunt, uncle, etc.....I realized....there is never the certainty that there will be time later. So now, my mom, my sisters, my kids, my Jacques....they hear it every time we talk....I love you. Three easy words to say.... but ones that if not said, can make one live in regret.

Take time today to enjoy the moment that is....whatever it is....find a reason to just stop and remember today....and tell the people in your life just what they mean to you....and don't ever let it just be implied.

Five Years Old Today

This is the first time in my motherhood where I have had a child turn five and not have a younger child as well. My baby turns five today.

He has grown into this amazingly funny, sweet, loving, little man. He is in Kindergarten and has a new story every day about a girlfriend, a new friend, someone who doesn't want to be friends....and even once in a while something about something he has learned.

Five years ago, when he was born....it was a day of great concern. It started out with me being in early labour for 12 hours, with no progress at all. I stayed at home through it, only going in after 12 hours to make sure everything was okay. The doctor was a little concerned and ended up sending me up to the major city to be evaluated. I was in the back of an ambulance in labour for 1 1/2 hours. Once they did the ultrasound in the city, it was determined he was transverse (sideways) and there was no way he was coming out the old fashioned way....so, off for a c-section we went. After 24 hours of labour, he was born. 8lbs 15 1/2 oz. There had been some stress on him and they thought maybe he had inhaled some meconium (black tarry baby poop). He was having trouble breathing and he was taken away to the NICU. He had in fact popped a hole in his lung. I didn't end up getting to see him until the next day. He was on oxygen, they wouldn't let me nurse him....I was so scared. After 11 days in the NICU, they let us come home...he was still on oxygen at home for 6 weeks.

Now, as I look at him tormenting his sister, watching a football or hockey game with me, or just loving me up,...one would never know that his start in life was so rocky.

Happy Birthday Little Man Tucker!!!!!

Hockey Night in Canada with my Dad

One of the most comforting memories of being a kid was watching Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday night with my dad. I was too little to understand the game, and I didn't much care. I always had the seat of honour tucked in beside my dad in his recliner. Most nights I would fall asleep before the game would end. He would wake me up at the end of the game to send me to bed, and I would always ask, "Did Montreal win?" My father was born and raised in Montreal and it was always our favourite team. It still is for me, to the point where I have a son named Dryden.

Those Saturday nights were not so much about the hockey. They were about that warm and safe feeling I felt. Knowing I was in the presence of love. My dad and I had a very special bond. I can sit here now and remember the smell of his Old Spice.

My dad passed away on May 29th, 2002. He was 95 years old. I miss him every day.

I watch Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday nights. Now I understand the game and enjoy the game. I still cheer for Montreal. My kids cheer for Montreal too! I don't have a recliner to snuggle up with one of kids in, but the sound of the theme song sends me right back there.

Who am I kidding??? I am not a blogger......

I don't feel like a blogger anymore. I don't have the inspiration to write. There are times in the day when something crosses my mind and I think, "That would make a good blog topic" only to either forget or realize how ridiculous the idea in the first place.

I read the odd blog here and there....keeping up with my faves such as, Oh, The Joys, The Estrogen Files, Cheaper Than Therapy, Kevin Charnas, Crunchy Carpets, Melanie in Orygun, Plain Jane Mom, and Sangria Lover.

I have written the odd post over at my alter-ego, Imperfect Perfections, but those can end up being on the depressing side.

I am looking for something creative. I have this itch, this need, to be creative. I want to write. I have written a few blog entries that have been not too bad, but I can't seem to keep those creative juices flowing. I am taking a course in photography because I love creating beautiful photos and I want to transition from nursing to photography someday. I cook. I cook a lot. Jacques and I cooked together and considered buying a small bistro here, then he had to go back to Chicago when his visa ran out. I don't like the cooking so much by myself.

I need some suggestions, some ideas, something.....ANYTHING.....to help me be inspired again to write.

I know I don't have a ton of readers, but I am going to ask you, the ones who may read this, to help me. I want you to ask me questions... give me a topic... show me a picture.... anything to help me start writing again.

Will Ferrell

Can anyone out there tell me why the movie studios are still letting this guy make movies??????

I mean really.....his movies are not in the least bit funny. Okay, so Elf was not too bad...but everything since that is complete rubbish. Is it just me? Have I watched too many movies that actually make me think or evoke emotions and feelings other than pure nausea??

I just do not see the appeal........not at all....

A Little Discussion on Etiquette

Am I the only person left under the age of 75 who finds the wearing of hats indoors, by anyone, just rude????

I know we live in a society of live and let live......but.......when I see a man or woman, boy or girl.....whoever it may be......wearing a hat (especially a ball cap, trucker cap, farmer cap, etc) indoors, it instantly makes me question their intelligence and upbringing.

Just last night I had ordered take out from one of the nicest restaurants in the small city close to where I live. I was sitting there waiting to pick it up and I looked around and saw ball caps on heads everywhere!!!

Where are the days when men knew enough to take the hat off as you go through the door and hang it on the coat rack? Is it really that difficult? Are you afraid some stranger is going to steal your hat and risk getting head lice?? Are you worried someone will see your hat hair?? (which wouldn't happen if you didn't wear the ugly thing in the first place) Hat hair can be remedied by this neat little invention called a COMB!!!! They are small, portable and fit right in your pocket...amazing! Are you concerned that the cute waitress might notice that you are going bald??? Here's a little tip for you........SHE ALREADY KNOWS!!!!! She figured it out when you refuse to take off your hat.....and they also know that the constant wearing of the hat actually irritates the scalp causing you to lose even MORE HAIR!!!

For the love of all things good....please take off the hat!!!

The Lesson

Lessons are everywhere. Not always pleasant, not always desired, not always profound...but as long as they are learned, they are always positive.

I have been learning lessons all my life. Admittedly, I have not always WANTED to learn the lesson.....and most definitely have not always ADMITTED to having learned the lesson. In fact, in my very stubborn French/Scots kind of way I will tend to argue a point that I am NOT learning a lesson from a specific interaction, just because.......well.......because I am a stubborn French/Scotsman.

For any of you out there that may have been involved in one of those stubborn French/Scots conversations with me, rest assured....on much introspection and soul searching.....and a self humbling brought upon by a serious feeling of fear and loss..... I have learned the lesson.

Things I do believe:

there is only one soul mate, and when you find it, you must hold on to it, and stop being a stubborn French/Scotsman

two stubborn Frenchmen together can create a lot of loud fireworks.....(take from that whatever you wish)

I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go

love is the single most important thing to have in life. And the person you love is the single most important person in your life. The opinions, feelings, emotions, reactions...everything....of the person you love need to be acknowledged and validated....always. I am striving to be the person who does that....and in turn, I need to learn to expect that in my own life.

every story, argument, situation has at least two points of view....to love someone is to be able to see those things from the other person's point of view, and acknowledge and validate that.....even if it differs from your own....

unconditional love is hard to get, and even harder to give......but is of utmost importance to strive for

mistakes, while they can prove to be devastating, painful, uncomfortable and damaging...are a necessary part of life.... we learn lessons from mistakes.... and sadly, until we actually learn that lesson, we will keep making that mistake. Mistakes are not usually the end of the world, even if they feel that way at the time.